what a day..

My day has completely finished well I could say it would finish because of the fact I won't be able to use to computer for a while not until tomorrow or I could just sneak on.. well today I have a fasting session and that is gonna be at 10PM I just hope no temptations get in my way for that I am just gonna lock up all my stuff and put it away the only thing I am gonna probably need is some music... Did I ever mention to you how hungry... oh well time to get this 2013 celebration started and my new year started my new years resolution is to STOP PROCRASTINATING and of course stop bothering my boyfriend with multiple text messages but hey its not my fault I just love talking to the boy! 

did I mention I love this wackjob boy???? Oh I probably did over a million times >:3 !!!! well anyways back to praying for world peace and the happiness of me and my boyfriend for 2013... and that little secret prayer >.~ shhhhhh~desu!!!

Happy B-day Andrew :O

So apparently you love reading my blogger but I just wanted to take the time out to wish you a happy birthday in private because I don't want people to invade our privacy well anyways I love you very much Andrew and I hope that your day will be a very good one and that you enjoy the package I sent you...! I didn't know what ecard to get you so I got like three different ones aside from the one I made you and sent to you and the one from the video I made for you :O Never thought I would send you this much gifts huh :3 well believe it I am glad for you birthday and I am glad we meet and are going out.

What a day

      Today was a very hard day I actually left everything up to the last day to do my boyfriends video because I didn't have a Idea on what to do it on the I remember the song he sent to me Love Love Love by Epik High it has gotten me high alright high on him I have not stopped listening to the song since he has left to go on his voyage or vacation whatever you want to call it but I really do hope that he loves his present's and his surprise presents I had made him.  I don't know what to say about to day except all I have been doing is procrastinating on doing homework this is the second time I didn't finish it... I hope to finish it tomorrow... and hopefully I will not have this migraine when I am working on my homework.... and hopefully my wish will come true ... maybe I am getting migraines from the fasting...

maybe I am over working myself on this fast or over working myself on homework or maybe I have some secret stressing that is going on I can't TAKE IT!!!! GOSHHH!!!! well anyways I hope to get enough sleep tonight... one quick thing before I hit the hay I had a dream last night that I was hugging my boyfriend and I looked it up in a dream interprataion book and it said misfortune the quickest thing I wanna say is... FUCK YOU BOOK!!!!! man was that peacefully I wanted to say that all day today but never got a chance too >:O

Today..

I have been getting massive headaches I still do and it hurts a lot I have managed to do some of my homework but now I need to wake up very early tomorrow to finish it... How damn wonderful anyways I have been missing my boyfriend a lot I had a sudden heart to yell his name and cry I really miss him.

A day of laughter!

So how was my day ill tell you how my day was it has started all crappy with my mom telling me that I don't help her do anything how wonderful but my day ended great because I slammed my friend Abdul in the face about his lovely Idol Asain isn't she pretty :O damn she looks prettier than me >.< oh well I hope that I can just finish my assignments on time I haven't even start them yet I have been watching lots of Indian dramas a lot one is about this guy he asks sugni for another chance in their relationship and he finally got what he wanted and then he finally got the oppertunity and his life and hers was saved in the accident.

My tired day...

        So today the weather was not that great my friend had just left me alone again and she didn't come over because of all the snow and Hail... and today I had to go to make two round trips to key food for my mom to buy her some pasta sauce and some eggs well the first trip was a bunch of meat and apple Cider :| but what ever and now the only part is I don't have to work today (-___-|||) stupid part is I can't even talk to boyfriend for a while cause he left for a trip. But starting from tomorrow I am going to start my fast from 6 to 12 in the morning :O so my wish can come true because I didn't eat today but didn't pray :( hopefully I won't get any distractions on being able to keep my fast. I have been listening to a song called Dare you to move by switch feet a lot ever since I finished watching the movie "A walk to remember" This movie is one for the books and so is my birthday. Even though the weather fucked it up its alright because, I got to eat at a Asian resturant called " Nan- Kings" the only thing that I would love to change about the week I got off would be when my boyfriend was texting me I wish I would of just not put up my bros Ipod and we could of probably talked the night I said I couldn't talk to him I blame myself now that I couldn't talk to him who cares about my damn sleep when I haven't even talked to him in a full blown conversation since the break started... Even the time when I went to the Planitarium with my brother for Christmas Eve ... I keep blaming myself... I am still tremedesly sorry I couldn't talk to him... I wonder if we will ever get another vacation off again... because now he might have a winter break I won't I will have school because of Sandy... why IS THIS DAMN HAPPENING TO ME... I don't know. Well I finished playing the "PJ Party Episode 7" In mycandylove... The only thing that made me upset is when I was disqualified in the My Candy love sweepstakes even though I worked so hard on drawing the damn thing.... well I don't know I want to punch a wall cause of it ... >.< anyways so I am off to take a shower and just relax nighty night :#

How I met u.. n why I love u

Damn its been a while since I remembered since I actually started this journey with you. I wanted to say lots of things about you but I just wanted to share that me and my boyfriend has been on a rough journey together since this 2012 year I had a very hard break up with my Ex Train he was suppose to apparently role~play with me in which he lied to me about having a cellphone, his name, studying and ect! I did meet my current boyfriend Andrew through my friend Shayna but at the time we where just talking but he wanted some advice on girls so I gave him some advice and through that we became more closer before April 3rd I was going through a roller coaster relationship that made me had bad feelings I was in a disappearing relationship meaning my boyfriend would disappear then come back to me. Andrew had told me don't you think this is suspicious well he never said it but he was always swaying my mind to make me think of him. I finally had decided to break up with my Ex and move forward with my life and as to which Andrew had asked me out he really was looking at me with his whole entire heart but, I didn't want to go out with him I was very stubborn because of my heart being hurt. I refused to go out with him but then I finally agreed on April 3rd 2012 and since then we have been going out and this is basically our 9th month in our relationship. Like I stated me and Andrew have been through a lot but I think the most things that we have been having a problem with is expressing our feelings to one another and also my Jealousy I am a very Jealous person because my boyfriend has a flirty side to him its kinda hard to just stay happy because I tend to wanna punch him sometimes for telling me when he flirts with others because he loves me getting mad and I HATE when he does that but I guess he will learn one day when I finally pop! I love Andrew very much more than a friend more than a best friend more than a brother you can say he is my HUSBAND and more than anything my blood and my air :O -to be continued- 

thoughts..

I think it is time to just give my brain a break from this family stress and try to enjoy my winter vacation with my mom and take a good night nap and fast for the wish that I really want to come true between me and my boyfriend and I hope that wish comes true ... Sorry can't even type my wish because it will not come true.... by the way I wish you all a very merry christmas and happy new years and a very good time for your winter solstice! and yeshhh we didn't die on Dec 21st 2012 :3.oh my gosh I wonder what its gonna be like for christmas .... I hope I am not gonna be depressed and my belated birthday wish is for my boyfriend and me to roleplay like we had before :O well merry Christmas everyone and happy New year :O

I don't know

   Saying the words " I love you" means so much to me. Or to hearing someone that I love say it to me. I have made a decision that I want to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about somethings... because I think it would be much easier to tell him on the phone than writing it out and hearing his thoughts on it... than him just reading my blogger on my thoughts. Our relationship has little bumps I would put in my view point and I feel that the more I look at thoughts bumps the more my anger boils up and gets these insecure feelings that I would like to punch out or knock out together with him.

Just because he reads my blogger and is fully aware of my feelings doesn't mean he knows that these small gestures are contributing to the hurt I am feel. I am not saying that I am the only one that has been hurt but, I am also feeling like everything I have said has not been fixed because I did bring up the matter once it was fixed. Then 5 minutes later it went back to the problem we where having.

In short times things can be fixed but it also up to your partner how he or she would respond. But it is mostly up to you how you are talking to your partner it should be Sturn and sweet to the point and lay out how you feel towards the actions your partner has been doing and why its bothering you but most importantly don't yell because if you yell your boyfriend could retaliate with yelling back at you too our trying to get a goal of winning! but where not trying to accomplish a win where trying to solve a problem not a video game :O 

Christmas thinking :O

        So this is my second post for today WOOT! anyways I think this is awkward in my mind I have been banging my head on a wall of personal base but anyways I was just wondering my family has been struggling to make a good Christmas and untop of that they failed as soon as I was born we where slowly withering of putting up the tree but ... it was better than not being able to not be able to celebrate it at all.. I was wondering if I get married what Christmas would be like I would like my boyfriend to celebrate Christmas with me that was kinda one of my boyfriend and girlfriend wishes to go see the tree together and hold our hands through a night walk I guess >///< but I don't think that dream will come true :S but shhh don't tell anyone that was my dream... anyways I was wondering about something I know that Christmas is like suppose to be Gods birthday but why do some people 

Celebrate it and we don't even you know believe in him and sometimes the people whom oppose him celebrate it at the time I was sick for the five days I even opposed him because of the fact that my face had looked really like a mushy grape at some points I thought where was God what was his plan for me .... the interesting thing is that my boyfriends name means strong and manly and their is a line from the bible that states "I thank Thee and praise Thee, O God of my fathers; for Thou has given me wisdom and strength."

       Tell me my God does not have a plan for my boyfriend I will probably pray until my boyfriend can celebrate Christmas with ease I know it will be hard... and I know we probably will clash a lot on this and I know I said I wouldn't touch about our religious beliefs but I do want one selfish thing that I know my boyfriend will say no to which is to "Celebrate Christmas with me and our would to be family" but I would love to see how it is .... I know I probably asking for way to much but I am wondering what it would be like >~< and I know I don't say no to lots of things with my boyfriend which is only one or two time I don't feel like being intimate I say no but I guess I am just being weird I DO NOT want to change anything of my boyfriend not even his religulous viewpoints that sounds like a contradiction doesn't it ? because I just stated I would want to try to get him to spend Christmas with our would be family..? No I think I am just doing it for my selfish wish of wanting to my Boyfriend/Would be husband to spend Christmas with me :3 ( you got me like you when I say no you try to flirt with me to say yes will this is kinda like what I want to do ^.~)

I would hate Christmas without you :O

Damn come back I want to have a Christmas together... :O 

Laughter & Love Block... O.o

   Okay well today I had the most funniest and awkwardest day ever.. so my boyfriend Naito ( new nickname :3) anyways he was riding the school bus to go home and apparently their was kid whom forgot his things on the school bus so he ran out of the school and tried to tell the school bus driver to stop but she kept driving which in my case I thought was very funny and then he had to get the police to drive him to catch up with the bus to get his things which my boyfriend was totally laughing his ass of and so was I because I heard the story from him XD. How was my day at school well you can say it sucked because my friend he was tutoring me and he literally got me mad because he said the statement " Are all you girls like this" then I ignored it and continued to do my homework then he asked me a question and I said " I am not talking to you" then he said "Are all girls like this fragile " my niggah were not fragile where just easily annoyed... boy I just want to kick you in your teeth and shatter them. ( inner thoughts) ~ (what I really said) ~I am done leaves and heads to the library. 

anyways my Love block refers to something that I have been fighting very long I thought that it was something I could just over look but every time I think about it gets me mad I wonder why is it when I watch anime shows those girls get mad about their boyfriends having another girlfriend before them I mean the things we girls do guys do it but yeah.. Girls compare their boyfriends to their ex boyfriends and visa versa boys do it too... not only that I just realized something my boyfriend has friends too and I have to respect his wishes of being able to hang out with whom he chooses because he literally loves me and he punched someone (not saying what he really did) for me and end up shocking another girl and she went to the hospital she couldn't cry or react that was scary I guess I wasn't their so I wouldn't know but other than that... my boyfriend has been trying to reassure me I am the one and only for him. I just wish that when I need him he can be their more.... is all that's all I ask you know.... I am very easily to please but sometimes when I love you so much I get demanding that's the scary part is I am afraid of loosing you because I demand you so much... I wonder if you think its annoying or cute I have just finished video chatting you yesterday and I needed your voice and I missed you more than I thought I did it hurt my heart hurt during the times you where working and I could hardly talking to you and now the funny part is that your not working and I am still missing you I think its just I miss you because your not near me... never knew that touching someone or kissing someone meant more than just a kiss and a touch to me... awkward :O 

Me thinking or ridiculous thoughts of you talking to another girl.

Bitch you wanna steal my NAITO ill kill ya :'(

 

 

 

Me reluctant to call or text you :S

Confused

Okay well its been a while I just wanted to break down something but I don't really know and am not sure about even though I have been saying I love you to my boyfriend I have been feeling distant and distances from a person and not getting to talk to them can hurt and then you will not be able to have that lovely beating feeling well I think the only reason why is because my realtionship has been put on a stop I think its like our love dovey self has been put on a stop for a reason and I think everything becomes fine when I see my boyfreind's body or hear his voice and everything the akward part is that my body reacts when he says "I love you" I just get this funny feeling and then I get sad again because I can't hug him I feel it would be so different if we where able to physically touch each other. I must say I do hate long distances relationships now because I wanna fucking kiss him already not to mention that I wanna just hug him physically. Everyone thinks that long distances is hard it is only hard if you make it out to be I love my babe with all my heart its just I feel lonely and then its kinda hard to get lovey dovey again which is why I suggest can he try to keep in contact me more... I wonder if my babe misses me a lot... sometimes I wonder maybe he forgets about me... and I do question him about his love for me where as he doesn't for me he has utmost confidence and I am just freaking scared I screw up on him expectation towards me I wonder when he dated me if he had expectations towards me... other than that my babe he normally has no problem in proving that he loves me... weather it was to stay up that night, wake me up in the morning for school (stuff he use to do before he started working.) I am kind of annoyed though that work and school has become his main objective before his health which does piss me off cause he promise me he would take care of himself. I haven't typed like this in a while so if I loose some of you readers in what I am saying sorry. But I just think that I wonder if it will be easy to readjust if we didn't have so much things on our mind I am not saying I want to not go out with him I am just saying how about we give eachother a break so that we could get our own lives in order and then come back to our love dovey state when we finished with everything we must do of course that means when we are working if one feels down we can help one another I really love him he IS SO DAMN COOL >////> I am angry with myself about saying "TTYL" on facebook to him when I meant that to my other friend who was messaging me and I was doing homework untop of that :\
 The bad thing is since I was on his case for not talking to me much I have been having dreams like bad ones like one time I had a dream he yelled at me and the other time he was like what the fuck did you do... it was the first time I saw him that mad at me.. and untop of that he was kissing another girl .. in my dreams ( that one I know won't happen_) but I was so angry at thoughs and I took it out on him... I kept doubting him its my fault I keep thinking about stupid things I got this other weird dream where he punched a brick wall at the side of my shoulder and it was scary...

Alone...

I can't explain my feelings or write it anymore. My feelings have been pushed to the limits last night I can not take the sadness I have anymore my dad doesn't care about anything and when he comes home he tries to hurt us with all of his annoying mockery... My mom doesn't think that arguing with him would make everything better because she is looking at that he will help us with money... My boyfriend was suppose to role-play with me last night ... yet he didn't we talked last night about role-playing then suddenly vanished my heart became a turmoil in what happened... I cried a lot last night because I miss him I would love to spend a lot of time with him.. but he seems busy to even talk to me sometimes that it hurts me... I wish I could tell him how I feel but the only way to keep calm is to write it down but I can never seem to write my proper feelings down anymore I don't even have the feelings or urge to write how I feel anymore I love the fact how my hurt turns into tears and so does my anger ..... I wonder how my birthday is gonna be this year... probably with no love feelings on my birthday again...I miss him so much it hurts... but yeah some of the things I am doubting I don't want to doubt him but its almost impossible to not doubt anything.

I want him... I want him so bad that I could do anything to try to bind him in cuffs but what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore... he stopped calling me and stopped keeping in contact with me.. until recently but we do talk but not much I love him but I miss him so much...

I would show him all my weaknesses including that I even need him more than the people whom I live with. I love him so much.. that I could die for him... If he was to go away I wouldn't want to live anymore I know it seems stupid but he was the soul person who made me get rid of my sad feelings for love I feel like if I have him I could do anything with him by myside even when I he was with me I would never fail classes I do now... and then I pass math... I am scared of the fact I get math when I am not around but when I have him I have the motivation to do my work... I had everything when I had his love I feel like without him I do not have nothing without him near me.... I cried my heart out because he would not text back or message me back on fb... I feel like crying again... damn I am gonna go now before this whole post is filled with " I am gonna cry. "