... The feeling of crying

I knew I shouldn't of gotten close to anyone... Ebby still insists on wanting to talk to me about it.. It hurts to not talk to her but it hurts to talk to her even more than it does to talk to her.. My other friend got upset at me because I left the lunch room and told me that I was "over looking small details." And that Ebby told her that she was scratching her self multiple times which is why her mom took her to the hospital if that was the case then she lied to me.. I am not saying I care but I hate people who lie... So I don't trust her anymore I hurried home and the earliest I got home was 2:40 and I called Andrew he didn't pick up... And didn't call in the morning I wonder if he over slept or got into trouble for talking to me late yesterday I hate being away from him... I wanna cry In his broad chest that makes me comfortable...

I hate people

Why does everyone want to hurt me?? Like what the fuck as soon as harneet hurt me my other friend hurts me... I guess I am a fucking BULLYING magnate... It hurts a lot.. I am being really sad... I am gonna listen to my boyfriend cause he is my babe and Ebby is not even though she is my friend I knew Andrew longer!!!

Today

Today I went to eat out with my brother and his girlfriend i had a really great time... I eat some Indian food and had some soft mango ice cream YUMMY!! Then I went to ikea and saw lots of paintings and room layouts when we where checking out the guy looked like Andrew 0...0 and another thing that happened today was really crappy because my I got my "wonders this month again!!" what the heck... Isn't this the third time it happened -sighs- this hurts... And sucks... Well I saw things like a chicken pillow which I though was really cute :O

Remembering touch

So today I started to get excited and for the second time this week I gave in in the middle of it because I keep remembering Andrew how he excited me and now I feel really crappy and lonely his teasing helped me get off faster and as of now I haven't gotten off or climaxed cause I loose intreat in the middle of pleasing myself -sighs-

BULL SHIT

Today I went to school and hung out with my friends in the morning and harneet said hi I just walked passed her and ignored her cause I am not talking to her anymore (because of the face-book incident.) she goes to the dean and cries to the dean about me (she is telling the dean that She sad that i don't wanna talk to her.) now she tells the dean that I have things for her making me look like a damn criminal so I tell the dean what had really happen and as soon as I go back for my class She calls me again (I had to go back to my class again to get my book-bag and go back to her.) and a guy comes to me and is like oh I wanna do a search for a knife on you... She told me HE HAD TO TALK! (Not ask me if I was armed) you know as soon as I got home I called her and she didn't pick up when he called me back I gave her a price of my mind she doesn't know how scary it is to be pat down BY NOT POLICE BUT ANOTHER DEAN! I hate men touching me other than Andrew... He wasn't even police... THE FUCK!!!! What did I do to deserve this? because I didn't pick up HER FUCKING PHONE?!!! Please my mom was sick for two weeks ain't no body got time to answer phone calls when you l am helping a sickly parent. I am depressed not a criminal I don't want the bitch dead but right now I am thinking twice about that I wanna slap her in the face right now. I want her to be ROAD KILL!!! (Excuse my French :0 )

Alone.

I guess today you can say was okay because Damien bought me some food. I got to eat really much until I started thinking about maybe the reason why my boyfriend was failing was because he was too busy trying to talk to me.. To pass the class and maybe it was really not his teachers fault but mine... earlier today I called Andrew's house phone I was kinda nervous to call cause I wasn't sure he was going to pick up and since it was a guy I was stammering a lot... I wonder if I sounded retarded -sighs- ... this is the second day since I last talked to Andrew I miss him... I was taking a shower and I was thinking "what if it goes back you're it was like when I didn't talk to him when I was thinking about my answer"... I kinda wanna cry... I really miss him I don't wanna be a controlling person like asking him where was he what was he doing... My mind even wants to give him a peace of my mind... Like why is it that I feel like every single time I called him he has never replied and for that one time I wasn't their for him he freaked out. When "out of 100 days we where dating I was?" I don't know why but I am getting sick and tired of people blaming me for their own actions."your the reason why I did what I did." Is what he sounded like I"he was saying my boyfriend apologized for its just I don't know why but It kinda hurts.. Every time someone in my family becomes ill mannered my mom always blames it on me... maybe you guys don't know that but she does... Today my brothers girlfriend said " don't interrupt the mood." I don't have anything against what she said but... that was kind of mean I was kinda hurt when she said that when Will someone stop blaming me.. Or when will I feel like the feeling of being needed?.. I always feel this sense of lonely feelings... But.. I also have the sense of being happy I have lots of sad mood swings apparently I guess I just hate being away from Andrew.

Tonight

I feel absolutely and positively like freaking crap. Even though I am suppose to be Andrew's girlfriend I feel so damn upset I am holding it in because I don't wanna show my clinginess maybe it's best if you don't see it all... For some reason I hate it when my brain runs wild.... Seeing my boyfriend put his arms around another girl or to the fact of even having to think about he dance with someone kinda makes me sad... Stupid damn emotions. So as you know my mom complained to my brother about a 1year old story about me spilling master gravy when clearly the bottle had a damn crack. So now my punishment is time reduction FOR A - 1 year old story that I got punished for already?!!! The heck? On a second note I feel really sad as to the fact I feel jealous... I hate MYSELF -hits my face with a pillow- I wanna have your arms around me, I wanna dance with you...

True Edge

Today started like crap because i went to the supermarket when (its pollen season i am sick go figure.) i bought a couple of things for my mom so that she could cook (i remind you she already went to a place called flushing. It's home to all Asians!!) so i forgot one thing on the list and bought ONE WRONG MEAT! and she flips out and then as soon as I told her that as the truth she goes bonkers.(she calls me a liar, useless, you don't know how to cook. she probably called me a lot in the passed too but my middle brother doesn't wanna ruin the peace me and my mom has.) I throw my shoe into the corner refusing to go to the supermarket and she bitched all day saying I am the reason to her pain. (that I was the cause of my dad moving out.) Tonight was amazing because I feel that I am motivated again to play the piano just by listening to Philip Sharp talk and inspire me I mean like it was really amazing how he used his computer to do the parts he couldn't play on the piano like the drums or guitar. It hit down hill when I got a text from my boyfriend stating he was gonna get his phone and iPod taken away from him. but I could call him before 9?? I am confused are they not taking his cellphone away?? ... And he can talk to me occasionally on his computer... That's like the three months I couldn't talk to him that is tourchering me -sighs- the other down side to this night is that now I am feeling really bad I didn't shower with my babe.... biggest down side is I am sick and crying now fuck.. Fuck this stupid day!!!!!

Poem in my pocket

Even though I told Andrew goodnight I wanted to at least update my blogger. So today started really great because I was the only one who wrote a original poem. The poem me and Andrew wrote together my teacher loved but even if she didn't like it I love it and that's all that matters:3.. Later that day, I came home and I talked to Andrew because of my emotions I was not able to Roleplay crazy huh me not being able to Roleplay... I was so sad that I lost someone close to me as a friend (she didn't die.) we just stopped talking because of her self centered ways but I till even with Andrews words I am still sad but it did push away my sadness it helped me even when I don't feel it I feel like by tomorrow morning I should be "A" okay . So that's what happened tonight I wanna just snuggle my head into Andrews chest and feel calm and relieved that I have him to cheer me up.

Heartache

A lot happened I don't know where to begin at all. It's just all I know is that my friend had asked me out and it made me nerve recked because my friend I think she liked me but not as much as she liked Krystal another girl who was my friend but is also my friends crush. On a second not I put my boyfriend on hold to play because I had to order pizza and eat and the only night I am home alone he had to fall a sleep on me...I am mad... But maybe he is mad at me because I told him I would play today I wanna play now cause I finished eating but the damn boy is not even replying to anything I am sending him. -sighs a huffy big sigh-

My thoughts

Well today I wasn't really thinking anything but I needed to finish my regent and what to talk to Andrew about I wonder what would be a great conversation to talk about oh by the way I wanted to share with you a Andrew picture collage I made shhh!!!!! ^.~

Realizing something

You know what I realized is that I just wanted to say I will love my boyfriend even if he broke our promise but I do want him to make me a new promise. " please trust in me. Please at least open yourself up to me regardless of what your feeling." All I want is a apology over the phone. Maybe I am just stupid but I don't wanna feel like I am being taken advantage of even though as much as my mind is telling me I am being taken advantage of I choose not to believe it and continue to be strong. I just want a new beginning I am not going to ponder on this anger any longer I just want my boyfriend not to smoke again if it happens again I will quit being Mrs. Weaver for good... Because its like you lied saying you won't smoke again and you did. Wanna know why I have so much patients? Because If My God didn't have as much faith in me as I Did in him and our love I wouldn't of even able to keep pushing this relationship mI have learned to forgive people whom break promises because If I can't forgive you then I would be just waisting all the time we could be together spending happy times together my goal is to have more happy memories than sad with you and if you can't see that your changing for the worst... I just wish I can show you a mirror of what your ugly self looks like right now I wish you could just see how much I love you as of now and as each day passes how much my love grows for you.... If only you can give me that love as I give you. your love for me right now is trapped in a balloon but I just know if you let yourself go and be completely submerged and trusting in this relationship your love for me will be a large range like the blue skies. I want to believe in our relationship more can I believe in our love? like you believe in the me that will continually love you?

Confusion :O

I have so much confusion right now I can't believe what happened I think this is like my third blogger entry.... So my boyfriend went to a birthday party when I talked to him he seemed so pissed of at Tavis I am not even sure whats going on... I am not even sure if my boyfriend thinks Tavis as a friend or hates him.. Other than that my boyfriend said to say hi and I couldn't understand what he was saying I was wondering if another person found out we where dating I am confused but if that was the case he seemed really upset with me or something because he said .. bye and not our usual loving bye salutation .... why do I have to think about pointless things like this now I am getting worried instead of angry so Tavis called me and he asked me if Andrew was at a birthday party... he left a voicemail and asked me because I was to busy to pick the phone up. Not that I would of picked up ... I am so confused as to what my boyfriend is thinking of me or in his mind am I really that pitiable thinking like this I have such a crappy self esteem.

FUCK IT!!

Do you know what I can say right now? Fuck you!!! Like what the hell did you think I would forgive you? What the hell is that? You know what good night and you know what I am not bounded to any fucking contract anymore and that's it you broke the promise okay fine. I am breaking my promise of fucking drinking fuck it.
You better fucking PROVE to me that you fucking value the promises we made or I won't be able to keep going like this I need some fucking assurance that your gonna listen to me because right now your stubborn ass self does not listen to practically anything I say to you.

Tonight

I'm finally back home that party was amazing the ride their was really long but hectic I wonder what is in store for my day later today maybe just some small studying I hope I can at least do that it was a great party I meet lots of new people I even learned the salsa and danced :) I feel content that I actually had a very nice time with some of my new friends now me off to bed -yawns- night night.

FUCK TODAY!!!

Today wanna know the worst feeling about trying to solve your own life will always gives you a big FUCKING SLAP IN THE FACE!!! My brother came home today and since he gave me his hoodie to wear which I told him to bring my own hoodie for my own damn reasons which also the other reason as to why I am not masturbating today AT ALL!!!! I left hi outside and took a shower to clean my skin even though I cleaned out my whole body when I came out looked like Rudolph the red nose rain deer. To my wonderful damn life I would appreciate it if my middle brother doesn't do that type of "nice" gesture because all it does is annoy me FUCKING A LOT! when my mom gets home she asks me is "anyone home" how the fuck am I suppose to know if she meant my middle brother my mother is also a bucket of wonders she mentions I can't cook a cup of rice or at all but Is that the only thing you can through at me? The only reason why I can't cook is because your sorry ass tells me I can touch your ingredients!!!! WELL OF FUCKING WELL!! You can go fucking suck my DICK CAUSE I DON'T CARE I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS INSENSITIVE FUCKING FAMILY OF MINE. So um how was your day at school? Oh Hmm let me see it was SHIT!! Because you know why? My teacher was a total dick to me he told me to sit in the back and make sure to copy all the notes when I am fucking FAR SIGHTED!!!! it's like telling a blind person to read without brail. He even had the BALLS to staple NOT ONE BUT TWO PROJECTS on my Japanese project that I WORKED SO FUCKING HARD ON D:< this bitch of a teacher rubbed me in the wrong way AGAIN!!!!

Morning everyone :)

I am so happy that I got to talk to my boyfriend about our desires I just can off of FaceTime with him this week is going to be hectic since we both will be busy
-____-|||| well on the bright side look its my baby sleeping -fan girl scream-

My wish

I felt so bad about falling a sleep on my boyfriend last night -/////- I was just feeling so tired and I have been staying up Lon hours lately so I wasn't able to but I wish I did because I fell a sleep I kept him waiting -___- ||| I hope he doesn't mind or got mad I am going to try my hardest today and hopefully I can roleplay longer
Tonight. After all I did like hanging out with Andrew.

... April 6

Tonight I should not really be complaining that my boyfriend didnt Roleplay with me I mean he needs time for himself but the least he could of done is tell me if he was going to bed... Or was tired... I know friday I fell a sleep on him but I mean I did wake up and stayed up a little bit more and then he fell a sleep... I am not gonna complain just kinda excited and board not I mention he did apologize for not responding well night everyone. -3-

text problems???

I wonder if my texting pissed andrew of that now he is not replying. I wonder of he was tired, distracted or something.... hmm maybe I should stop worrying when he sees the messages maybe he will reply... Maybe I should rest too besides I have a long week next week cause I have finals... My brain is gonna crack I am still worried about unnecessary things I am even wondering if the package got to Andrew safely I didn't even get to ask him that -Messes hair up from to much thinking-

Good morning

Good morning babe I just wanted to say I am sorry that your package for our anniversary didn't come today but the official day it's suppose to come is tomorrow but I just wanted you to know I love you and even though I will be away to school today I love you very much and I just wanted to say happy anniversary thank you very much for having fun with me yesterday it was amazing to role-play a little and even now roleplaying I feel the big urge to give you a big hug.