Imarn's Birthday

So  I wanted to write about my week.. The day Andrew died.. I felt lonely, not happy but as of now I feel just drained of crying and thinking everyday, WHY! couldn't it be me? I loved him and will always love him. since he died I have been sleeping in my older brothers room and crying every damn night.... I am tired of writing but I still do it for him. But now that I took into consideration of dating William I am not going to look back... Its time for me to be happy and stop thinking about the sad memories and think about the here and now like Jessie said she also said that I should live each day like its my last. I really wished that it was my last day so I can go to God and just be under his wing crying... I want his love because I don't want to be alone no one really understands my pain for people around me who died... Yesterday I finally have a sister in law Leah was engaged to by my older brother and I am so happy for him but what if he leaves this house... and I can't talk with him like I did for the week that I was in his room.. he is not even gone and I miss him. Today is my brothers birthday he is finally is thirty one.

Work ...

So today I had work and more work why? It was Imarn my older brothers birthday and it just had to be perfect while Leah was cooking for him I was making a drawing for him also... and I was also making a slide show(s) for him. it took lots of work and I didn't go out at all that day because I had to work very hard for it.  He caught on of course but it was a great gathering because I had fun and I think my brother.. enjoyed ... the presents that we gave him and he was blessed with just being with us...

Wednesday

Jessie and me planned to go ice skating and in the process my friend Mario pulled out of the ice skating his reason was because "his mom had cancer.' in which I think that's bull shit because he ditched me before. Anyways we had fun Vee-bee  Jessie's girlfriend went Jessie of course and two other girls names that escapes me at the moment. I went to the ice skating rink to forget or to actually be able to find someone that Jessie was trying to ask out for me... but I was just trying to be on the look out for maybe a guy Andrew might be re-born as... he did say that he would be re-born and it may take a while... so I went to game stop and met a guy his name is William for some reason .. it struck to me can't he be it because the anniversary date that me and Andrew had his birthday is on it... he likes anime, he plays video games, not to mention he has common similarities between him and Andrew or maybe I am just focused on finding someone like him.. I don't really know.

Failure

So I tried to date my friend it end up in utter failure because I tried to hold hands his hands was completely sweaty he complained a lot about how horrid he looked... and most of all I felt like I just didn't even wanna date him because I am his friends so I just told him we have to be friends we cant do more than this... I felt like I pushed feelings out of me to like him. Quiet honestly he wasn't my type I liked Andrew and I still do man am I killing myself over him yes. Is it worth it I have no Idea on another note I went to hang out with Jessie she showed us around her house we went to the river.. and I climbed some rocks feeling blank...and scared what Andrew might of felt in the river... I feel like I shouldn't talk to my friends about what I feel anymore because Its like I am annoying them.They say they aren't but they probably are actually really mad that I talk about Andrew a lot... "Oh Andrew liked that." That's all I can say... people think I am okay about Andrew when they just really don't  know I am a messy puppy in need of a shower. Even my middle bro said I should either let this break me or make me and as of now its breaking me I just feel like I do not want to date anyone but him. I feel lost... All i could do to feel closer to him was call his cell because I felt like shit... And I just wanted to hear his voice... I really did he would make everything better by saying "fuck them babe your pretty and don't worry about them." .... I also missed us as friends... Its like a friend and a boyfriend... Vanished.... I cant stop writing because it hurts.... My friend Jessie is going to try to get me to go out with someone tomorrow and I am just confused... I just do not feel like now is the right time for me to look for someone.... What if the next person dies...

.. Decision

So I decided to go out with a guy for two days to see if  I can find anything in this relationship... because of the fact its really hard  to deal with waking up every morning knowing that I  am single and I can't see you... I will be patiently waiting for you but little do you know Jessie(Bitchcunt) is not going to let me date you until you prove yourself worthy to go out with me. My older brother and his girlfriend will not let you come near me because of the fact that you might come back ...... Its kinda scary to think that maybe you lied to me that your dead... and you might be alive ... I do not want to be taken advantage of ... I guess you can say I am just using my friend to get over the fact that maybe your not alive anymore. But I still love you... but that does not mean I will stop my life for you I am going to keep trying and keep on moving on with my life and have you in my heart always. 

love.. not alive...

I found out on Saturday you where gone on Friday August 23. I always wished it could be a lie if its a lie .. I will not be able to forgive you.. because you didn't explain to me your plan... I am just wondering did tavis ... kill you... did you think that driving you car off a bridge after that you might survive and you like a God and then you would tell me your wonderful adventure ... you should of never done that I should of stopped you if only I knew I am posting so much like you said and I think It will be in vain because you can't read it I am breaking down YOU ASS HOLE I AM BREAKING DOWN IN TEARS..... WHY CAN"T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU WHERE GOING TO HURT YOUR SELF ..... I can't let you go ... it hurts more than being broken up with....

No more prayer...

Pray ... pray what more do I have to pray for when the one thing I prayed for and wished for on blowing out on the candles is gone ... I don't have anything... anymore... the one thing I looked forward to ... is waking up in the morning and seeing Andrew... the love he gave me the loving and encouraging words I miss them already... I don't know how to express how I feel as of now... all I want to do is hear the song he gave me before he was gone... over and over again while crying and remembering all of the things he did for me while he was here... he stood by me ... and then in a flash he was gone... I am sorry... I will keep apologizing because I didn't pray hard enough... I did not ... pray hard enough is all I can say because now your not next to me I can't wish for your hugs anymore I  can't wish for you kisses I can't wish to live with you ... have kids... or even the one thing and that is to meet you... your gone.... gone from my life... in a flash...

August 24 5am

You wanted me to CONTINUE THIS STUPID THING how do you expect me to continue this stupid thing... when your not going to even be reading this dumb blogger anymore..? you really think that I am strong to live without you... you died ... and now when you left you leave me a note that says continue my ... blogger how can I continue ... how can you be so selfish and say to keep living.. when I know I can't live with you hug you kiss you... you promised... you wouldn't leave me without doing any of those things you JERK!!! ... I don't know how much more my heart can handle... you say your breaking up with me and then we just got back together and you go AND DIED... why don't you want me to die... why couldn't you take me with you... I wanna die with you.. this pain is surreal .. how can I focus now... I thought I had more to write about but I don't even think I can comply with typing... in my blogger... because I know the guy I once loved can't read it anymore...... 

Day 2

So today is day two of my horrid of a period and most people don't write things about their period on bloggers or what not but this is the most horrible thing ever that girls have to deal with every month.. this is possibly what we women have to deal with ....

      so of course raining today who would of thought my plans to go to the park... vanished... ugh so I don't really know what I want to do. I was thinking of knowing how to do various jobs like trying to be a writer and of course it was possible in being a writer because of the app called watt-pad. I wrote various things I wrote a poem called boundaries had to do with my break up and I wrote a book called EROU which is based on a historical event. In the event I started back my habit to read books I started reading a boy X boy book called "I want to do really bad things with you." what a title right? ugh it has made me do lots of thinking and I would buy this book if this person really does decide to publish this. I have also started reading something called backfire its about a girl going through a hard break up saying she doesn't want to have anything to do with guys anymore. 

My friend he made me watch a movie called kick ass it was a really good movie when I told him I never heard of it jessie and him where starting at me like I had two dragon heads. what am I doing now? well I am listening to the song "when I am gone"  by Away from the sun. I didn't really do anything today just relax because of  blister and my period its all THOSE THINGS FAULT AND THE RAIN!!! 

So today yesterday I was really trying my best to not be sad yesterday my ex boyfriend had hurt me and our anniversary was yesterday... but I guess it really hurts. but then I got over it because that break up didn't matter as much as Andrews break up... that shit hurt like a fucking knife being stabbed into my heart a million times.. and the funny thing is we didn't date very long but it felt so right but then when he broke up with me everything went cold, dark and everything... its like he stole my heart with his smile his kind heart and his over confidence ugh how can I fall for a guy that over confident. I mean like how can I???!! but yeah I am just glad I am together with him again. I just love him. 

the only thing I can think of as of now is something someone can tell and that is love I need it now or I will die.... I don't know I just need it. I haven't been this obsessed with a guy like this in my life I NEED... THIS LOVE TO LAST I FEEL THE NEED IT SHOULD LAST!

...

I didn't really do much today just resting my legs today and, playing mycandylove. I got "mother nature" today and i have been being unnecessarily tired and sleeping a lot so now I slept so much I had a big headache and stuff I keep hanging out with Jessie and Mario and then I finally got blisters.

fatigue

So I am back from my long day out and I smell like sweat and axe ugh!!! I went to a lot of places like I went to my elementary school park and then I was playing yu-gi-oh with my guy friend Mario and Jessie was their watching us play and of course she got distracted while watching us and walked in bushes and then she stood up on a banister in the park and then went on the swings. Then jessie had to go home like at around one so we dropped her home and went to a park and played Pokemon on our dsi and traded Pokemon and then we realized she was at the laundry mat close at Mario's elementary school old so we tried to make it but it was too far and he was being a baby saying "Oh where not going to make it in time." and in which case we didn't -sighs- but oh well.. I am going to hang out with him and jessie tomorrow at flushing because I wanted to go and jessie wanted to hang out with him again so I suggested he just come with us to flushing tomorrow. I had a very long day because I walked so much now I have blisters... it hurts like crud of course it does. 

On to my next part of this .. so Mario told me the girl who I was helping him to get told him that I was annoying... and hyper.. she was mad because I was touching his face ... I don't even remember that maybe I was but I don't really mean anything by it so, I was supper angry the girl who rejects him suddenly has a opinion on who I should hang out with. I have no feelings towards him more than a best friend not only does this girl reject my friend she does it on his birthday!!!!! So who helped him get over it was ME!!! I mean like just because you do something nice for a guy friend its not like your automatically dating them. I am ranting again because I am so angry that she thinks I am annoying... not only did she hurt my best guy friend. She hurt another guy in the group and that was Dylan. I don't say anything to her because I always thought that she was a nice person so now I am definitely hate her. I think she is getting early menopause why the heck is it that I did? heal my friends heart? so that he won't get hurt for a whore like her? I mean like seriously... he was so sad.. ugh I can't understand women their so two faced. 

Because you asked..

I havent heard the words i love you hime sama in such a long time it feels distant but when said to me it feels so close that it rips my heart a part no matter how I try to forget I can never forget ...I love him so much I cant think straight nothing is the same anymore... I am confused if I am allowed to be called Andrews girlfriend now because I know he said he would be mad if I had gotten over him already.. I do not consider myself single and I take it that where still single if he didnt had to tell me I love you was good enough to know where still together. I published a poem because of him breaking up with me and that made me realize that people loves to read  my poems and my stories... it made my confidence inhance in myself as a person. So today I went to church and Jessie went to church with me after 5 years of prayer she finally did. She has been really weird and she has been not ditching me a lot and just being their for me. I broke this thing my mom keeps her clothing on and she yelled of course but she realized it was a very long time she had it so she is going to have to buy a new one :( .. Then later my mom couldnt sleep because my mom had this weird bump and refused to stop hugging my arms she finay fell a sleep and I began to watcing the movie stick it I love this movie and then later I am going to the park on monday with Jessie and Romario to a dueling tornment :) 

Horrid day...

Hi everyone so its been a while since i last wrote a blogger so lots of things happened... and what happened was that i met jessies girlfriend venus and i met her selfish wishes by going out to hang out with her and her girlfriend then when I had to come back home alone. I told her I was fine which was obviously a lie, and today my brother decided to propose to leah on the 30 of august.. When i planned a suprise birthday party for him.. and it angered him... when mom suggested another date so he had to yell at me because mom asked him to change the date and now i am just pissed at him and his girlfriend... why the heck is it that everyone is yelling at me including my mom told me " you eat so much thats why your so fat..." she told me I didnt help with cooking BUT I BOUGHT THE INGREDENTS FOR HER SO SHE WOULD ALSO STUFF HER FACE LIKE A FAT PIG!!

Pain

I couldnt control myself from crying so much... I couldnt even stop.. asking myself what did i do wrong.. so wrong that I deserve to be broken up with and even possible get cursed at by my boyfriends friend... its time for me to stop waisting my time on finding love I guess my not trusting self is about to shape its form where I do not want to trust anyone anymore.

Break up

So i was told I went over board and my boyfriend.. Said "I am done. Seriously done." and when i came back home his friend had the ordasity to tell me shit?... THE ONLY PERSON WHO IS ALLOWED TO TELL ME SHIT IS ANDREW SO WHY AM I BEING RIDCULED BY YOUR FRIEND!!!! ... I love Andrew even if he says he is done.. I am confused if done means he is breaking up with me. Jessie wouldnt tell me I guess she is gonna tell me after I pester her all night to tell me. so i didnt need jessie to tell me andrew told me him self he wants to break up... okay well yeah my inscueites will be... To much that it will chase any person away my depression will anger most people... I lost a bestfriend and even a boyfriend... 

Sadness..

I wanted to say that I love the skies I love the green grass I most of all love my boyfriend Andrew and the people who have hurt me and yes that mean Alaxander(train) I feel greatful towards him because he opened my eyes to be able to date a better guy ... If it wasnt for Andrew I would still be afraid of dogs heights and everything else and ... Also the friends who have hurt me and yes Jessie that means you... But now I am getting tired of people hurting me... so I feel like I would have no regrets if I die now.. I am sorry if this may seem selfish but it hurts so much that people hurt me.. Their is a song that was playing when andrew told me "he really wished he can hug me more than I know" Iris by the goo goo dolls made me cry even more UGH i love you so much Andrew and I hate when your sad...

Night.

I dont really want to talk to anyone right now... So i am just going to go to sleep :( ..... My piano skills... Is going to rest also i am going to burry it deep within my heart.