You will be missed...(Poem)

Your 40minutes away you where here only just today but gone 13 hours ago. 40 minutes away seems pretty close but actually in reality it's pretty far off.... Your back seems colder because now all I can do is picture your back walking away and all I can do is try to grab a hold of it. The memories of when I first met you still linger around in my heart look for a purpose even the memories are trying to break free... I wish our time together would have lasted we did a Muriel together to save animals we where in a anime club together we tried out for the soccer team. You where always a great listener. You are the most entertaining person I know and without you I don't think I could of found the friends I have today without you and for that I thank you.

So apparently

So apparently I found out my average is not good enough for college... 71 ... From a 80 average or 81... How could I be Sooo dam stupid... I am actually scared if I don't get a damn scholarship or atleast a half ... I feel even really retarded to the students I thought was lesser than me...

My most horrible day...

The more I relieve myself to become unstressed the more scared I get of what I become not being able to release pretty soon ill need my boyfriend more than the blcd's ... -sighs- ... I wonder if he will hate me because I became to intimate it's his damn fault so how can he get mad at me for that. I love him a lot but I wish I was more of a good girlfriend where we could both have a great conversation maybe it's because I am thinking too much into it when really he does talk to me and tries to make it up to me but I still wish for things like a present... or to get something that would help me to not be a complete bitch when he is not around so I can focus on that thing like talk to it give it character traits to the object he bought me...I don't know probably I just want to hug the object that is sent to me so I can feel closer to you... I dot know.. One minute I am happy the next I am sad this is the second time I end up going to sleep sad even though we talked yesterday I feel like yesterday was like 3 months ago... If you don't talk to me when your allowed to talk how am I suppose to detect if you still want me or not....?

I love my babe

For this night I finally got to Roleplay with my boyfriend but it wasn't long since he had to go to bed .... -yawns- I'm tired but I also and feeling a crappy shit load of stress since I can't hand in my project on time cause the computer was acting like a total shit.... I am not kidding that shit kept crashing i am like what the fickle sticks is this!!!!

I'm striving

I am striving for a place in your heart... And I have won a peace but as soon as I have won it... Someone comes along to ruin it... I hate you fucking logic... I have gotten into another fight with my mother all of the thoughts running through my head is what else do you have to say I am bad at?? ... I can't cook... It's my fault that "that incident happened"??? I can not give a account for assholes in this house?? I actually won a argument between me and my mom she was like oh what's so wrong with your brother giving you a hug? I was like yeah so you do it too she is like oh because I don't like being hugged and I was like how is that any different from me???!! And for once she shut the hell up. always being a nuisances in my life I have a bad temper year it's cause I can't take her shit this whole entire day I was doing my homework... My mom was asking me for favors and then when I don't finish my homework why didnt you finish your hw you have enough time LIKE HELL I DO NOT!!!! Cause my computer shuts off at 8:30 not me willingly but me having parent block and she yells at me what the fuck!!!!!!????

Can't sleep!!

The most failure I ever had was when I in a body heat and I had to stop all because releasing once tired me out so I couldn't continue instead just laying down in my bed in misery waiting for my boyfriend to show me his bewolf English project while I am still In damn heat... This is really bad -yawns-

Not enough

It's not enough I tried to calm myself down and all I did was worsen the situation I want my boyfriend to kiss me and help me in this situation even after I try to relieve myself my head starts to hurt :(

How can anyone...

I was wondering all night how can anyone treat their life with so much little respect it's really great to be alive... I don't think I have the heart to hurt myself because my boyfriends friend reminds me of so much of how I felt when no one loved me always wanting to be alone writing one suicide note after another... And even trying to cut myself out of a impulse I told him I would care if he died... When really he is right about me not knowing just one damn thing about him... But what does it matter if we know each other or not... I still care and once I make a friend I genuinely end up caring for them... Hoping that they won't feel similar pains to I have in the passed.... But I am also confused as to why... He would want to end his life... Not to mention his friends would care for him... I don't know how to talk to him and the words he said saying that he was questioning if Andrews phone is really shut off pissed me off. Weirdo really angers me I can't even stop thinking about him trying to end his life.... Or even to the words he said about Andrew.... Angered me the most. I don't know why but I am starting to hate the fact that weirdo thinks I don't care the fact he will hurt him self I am his friend what hurts the most is you call for someone to listen to you but you don't consider them as a friend? ... Fine I give up being friends... Andrew this is making it very hard to breath I wish I was right next to you right now... I can't stop thinking about this futile topic that I know is useless and I can't help regardless of what.

Don't understand

Ever since I started to get body heat (I remind you no one knows about this Among my friends.) my friends have been giving me weird questions on like if I would date them or would I relieve them it's kinda scary to me.... Im really regretting what i couldn't do with my boyfriend my brain really sucks. Not even that I feel really miserable I wasn't able to sleep in peace because of this rat trying to sit on my book shelf where my anime books when I tried going back to sleep but my mom came to ask me a question and I woke up and was up ever since... I AM GOING CRAZY =~= !!!! I wanna sleep or talk to Andrew so I can be at peace with my damn body heat :O

It's in the morning

It is Monday morning and I am sleepy but very excited from all the blcd I have been watching wish I could get help... My body is in so damn heat I can't stop listening to the blcd's even though their slightly making this worst on me ~sighs~ I wonder if my boyfriend has school tomorrow did I mention I am quiet hungry and it's only like 2:00 in the morning I even finished ep 9 for mycandylove YAY I feel so proud of myself now to get my hw done tomorrow aka today :) I am VERY ANNOYED That rats are biting my wall it's very annoying and it's hard to sleep :(

New reaction

So today was really weird my body was acting really weird I through up and my head started to hurt. My boyfriend said it was because half of my body wanted to an most of it didn't want to... I feel kinda useless that he can't get what he wants to ask for.. I am really sorry I couldn't do what he wanted me to....

The unspoken

I tried calling him again but yet the only words I could mustard up the courage to say with my sleep voice was hello... And his name... The two words I didn't think I could speak...it felt like his answering machine but then it felt like it was him on the other side of the phone silent and just trying to listen to my voice distance is really unbearable and so is trying to wait for this person...

It's morning...

It's one in. The morning and I feel so damn excited you have no Idea what goes through a girls mind when listening to bl CD dramas all night man it's so weird I wanna feel sensations like that. 0////o hopefully I can.... I am so excited I can feel the sensation rising.

New fears..

I just realized I have new fears which is when I take a shower their is fog and then I am scared when the fog happens I can't breath... The other fear may sound stupid and maybe I will be easily taken advantage of this but I hate being alone... For some reason 5th grade was already enough experience with that. But not to mention I am also being dumped or left alone "selina???!! The big bad selina is like that!!!" Is most people's reactions...

My confusion

So what I really wanna know is why is Linda still being rude... It kinda hurts to hear her say oh "Selina I talked to Andrew last night." When I didn't even get to talk to him... I don't believe her though because Andrew is not the type to cheat... Not even that my mom is still mad at me because I am helping with the winter festival not even that my head hurts I am trying my best to talk to Andrew but he is not picking up is he getting tired of talking to me roleplaying with me.... I wanna be weak at times too their are sometimes I take the things I use to be strong with and is very sensitive but it seems the only way to get by with my life is to be strong all the time and suck up all my sad feelings. Wish someone was always here making me vent.

Completely done...

You know what I have to say to valentines day???... FUCK IT... Do you know what I have to say to the love cemimar I am suppose to be going Saturday??? FUCK IT!!! I am done with loving (not my boyfriend) people and my mom can go sit on a fucking pin yes I said it go sit your fire breathing mother fucking ass breathing bad breath mouth on a fucking pin!!! I am saying this because I am mad?? Do you know fuck anything about me??? I bet you don't know shit nothing I am trying my best in school and I still get yelled at... I go to tutoring I get yelled at for that too. People that I am in the group with is very disrespectful. I am invisible to friends, boyfriend (but he is busy) even my family.

...?

..... Today I realized the reason for me not cutting is for Andrew not to cut himself again... I am suppose to deal with all my depression without cutting myself??... And even without him... So tell me how do I handle this... Do I have to cry every night?... So I am gonna do something new because he told me to tell him when ever something is bothering me to tell him I am just not gonna share it with anyone anymore time to change and go back to my old self where I hang out with anyone anymore.

It's late...

It's 12 in the morning and still haven't gone to bed I have lots of reasons one of the reasons was my boyfriend seemed like he said bye in my dream and it looked as though that dream I looked really sad... The second thing is I was making valentines day bags for the anime group tomorrow for 2hrs straight after a dinner outing with my brother.. And the last and finally thing I am turned on I don't know why or how but I am just damn excited but my boyfriends a sleep so... I can't get help :(

The truth...

I hid all of the facts of being bullied or of being yelled at by my mom... Or even the little faith in or communication... I love to see if anyone can deal with this to the point I have been hearing one lie after the next to me what parents I have all talk and no freaking heart... The one person I called dad is A coward in my eyes... And the mother who I thought I love compare and contrast each of her children on traits to see whom does she like more.. Isn't that a wonderful factor to know..... Funny thing to know don't even know why I have little patients anymore for anything even to the guy I love a lot... His depression .. I can't even help the one person I love the most....

My pain...

So tonight I let Andrew a text message he must be really busy.... I can't help being stupid now can I? If I am so stupid stop expecting things from me because I am tired of hearing I'm stupid and a failure. I am tired of going to bed and before I go to bed I am either stupid in a angry way to you or stupid in a funny way to you... I'm tired of being treated like I am stupid...being called stupid does hurt after a while and then something in you just suddenly snaps from being called stupid so much... you can't even say anything to defend yourself...Knowing me I wanted to talk to Andrew before I do anything stupid... It real hurts when he can't be around when I am sad...... I hope I don't do anything stupid tonight...

Time Of THAT MONTH>.>

     Its one of those days where I am gonna write a shit load. So tonight is gonna be the nights where I have all that crappy emotions weather it is down to happiness, Sadness and everything above huh?!!! I think its time to keep calm and have my period no??? Man I just wanna say fuck this period. I am not even joking the funny shit is when you have this you cant even relieve yourself unless you want blood on your freaking hand. The only time you can't get the most peaceful time of the day during the week is during the shower because you actually are soothed that's when you actually calm the hell down and relax and stop being a utter bitch that's really funny huh? the other times you have to be a freaking fast bitch as soon as the shower is done you got to have your coverage down pack fixed up first pad your self well enough so you don't freaking leek during the damn night. I think that's why I even broke down on my boyfriend when he didn't talk to me for two days and I told my friend Tiffany today is not the day. I was even on the verge of getting mad at him enough to say that I didn't like him anymore!! O...o funny shit what a period can do!!!! what!!??anyways I just hope that he can stop being busy and follow what I say this week because then I won't be able to control what I say this week..!! I was getting these angry feelings that my friend said that Andrew didn't care of what my emotions are in this relationship because it feels like she is right..... and NO I AM A STUBBORN BITCH TO BELIEVE THAT!!!!!! but all I want him to do is just give me a little bit of his time even if he has to do something I wish he would say be right back. When Andrew goes through his pains I wish I could help him but if he is in that phase where he can't even talk to me whats going to happen if we were to get married?... cause it feels like I can't even be trusted with even little things as to his depression.. In which his explination for that is that he doesn't want to make me feel bad  no GOSSHHH NOOO!!! for the thousand time I will not be sad I am just gonna be worried as to why your sad? your my hear my soul my everything. of course I would worry especially like how you worry about me in a fight, me around my brother, and all the other things. Even when your on the verge of crying you don't have to tell me because then my day automatically becomes a bad day because my body is connected to you and you have no idea but for the pass two days Andrew was depressed I was depressed and I thought my period was here but it turns out it was probably his souls warning me and yes I do believe in SOULS! When you say not to worry or I didn't want to talk to you because I thought I might worry you. YOU WILL WORRY ME EVEN MORE IF YOU DON"T TALK TO ME!!!

Distance no pain no gain :)

Well today I had a nice day it was really great even though my coordination was very terrible in talking to my boyfriend we still manage to talk and even get to Roleplay :) it made me happy to Roleplay but its kinda sad that we had to go to bed to and stop roleplaying :( but oh we'll I am happy I meet Andrew and that I am happy and have all these mood swings.. Today's for me blush so much (this is the effect he gives me when I am so upset XD)