My anger!!!.....

I want to put both of my parents on a fucking island then blow them up. Why the heck is it everyone in this house questions where the fuck I get money? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Especially when they are the ones who gave me fucking money and when I told them I BOUGHT IT I AM THE FUCKING BAD GUY FOR SPENDING MY MONEY? You got to be shitting me. Mr A he is such a asshole when I mentioned things about taking me to the mall he told me my bro would take me. When I do not want my brother to take me because they tell me what the fuck to wear I mean like I don't mind wearing but when i am told to dress like a freaking nun i get pissed when I am told what to wear but when the fuck will I get to wear what the fuck I want? I mean like u am in Freaking high school screw what they think. Also they Think my clothing draws attention no idiots it doesn't because when I wore a black long sleeve shirt fully covered I remind you this fucking old guy still hit on me I want my fucking clothing NOW I can't have my brother buying underclothing for me. Then MRS N starts bitching at me and arguing with me about I am like my brothers self centered and what not are you kidding me I AM THE ONLY FUCKING ONE DOING CHORSE even watering garden, pick up mail, do laundry, dry and pack away clothing and then un-top of that vacume and then take care of a bird and then more stuff like clean the bathroom. It is really unfair that I am being called selfish when I really am not. When everyone else is being the selfish one their is also times my MRS N. thinks I am her maid she leaves coffee cup in the sin and then also when she gets home I have to leave my room and serve her orange juice when she herself is close to the Freaking kitchen I mean like do I not do enough?

The Story of the worst sleep... EVER!

Last night I did not sleep well enough and In the end I woke up really late because of the fact I got annoyed of a mosquito which kept flying around me and got me Parrinoid the whole night so now that mosquito is in quiet a better place now.... Last night I did not sleep well enough and In the end I woke up really late because of the fact I got annoyed of a mosquito which kept flying around me and got me Parrinoid the whole night so now that mosquito is in quiet a better place now.... Hopefully I won't have any annoying bugs who drink my blood like crazy like vampires :( I won't have any annoying bugs who drink my blood like crazy like vampires :(
(Later that night)
I wanna be crying no mrs bitch decided to be mean for no fucking reason why? Was it because I didn't talk to her today? Well you ignored me yesterday and the completely ignored me am I suppose to be happy about that? Seriously am I suppose to fucking be happy? I am sick of her and I just wanna start school already so I can stop stressing in this fucking house.

I Am Tired...

I went on a walk with jessie it was fun but not as fun as yesterday it's probably cause it was late that we took the walk instead of early knight he went to his school open house today I miss him a lot I came home from hanging with harneet and. Jessie and I had so much fun but as soon as I come home I cleaned the fridge a little and my bro came home early and he can't hang out with me tomorrow so now I am going to be alone tomorrow
Again.... FREAKING ALONE AGAIN!!!

Today...

I waited for the ice cream truck to pass by my house but I missed him because I was sleeping then while I was waiting I took a picture of a monarch butterfly drinking nectar from a flower it was so pretty I am also beat from walking I walked with Jessie which is one of my close friends and we where just having so much fun I mean we had a amazing walk around our jr High school

Why did this happen...?

For one split second i think we would of got to talk but in the end I got knight in trouble I hope he doesn't... Does his brother not accept me as knights girlfriend am I a bad person..... I am kinda holding tears especially when he starts school he will busy and not be able to talk to me... I guess I don't know what I should do.... I do not want to be alone or not be able to talk to knight tomorrow because Thursday.... I still won't be able to talk to him..... I do have a low self esteem it's true .... But maybe the thing I really want people to see is I am not smart, pretty, and have a nice heart but if you ever need help I am always their to assist you. I really hate the miles we are apart what I would kill to be in his school. I hope knight didn't get grounded I am stressing like crazy -sighs- I wonder if he is okay cause he isn't picking up my cell phone calls

The cruddy day.

Another crappy day I caught a fever and now my eyes are supper tired and my back and head hurts supper much. I even think I am going to finally be okay tomorrow about train my ex boyfriend that I broke up not talking to me first tomorrow is suppose to be his b-day and our ex anniversary but I officially have a new anniversary which is April 3 with my knew smexy boyfriend knight -///////-

The mind is a selfish thing.

I have been thinking my life was everything but what about the person who gave birth to me I really miss her she goes through so much for me yet I hurt her I can't say how much I am great full to her but even when I got bullied by her she still tries her best o understand me but now she is mad again at me I guess you can say I am really a useless person even when it came to my boyfriend knight I made him wake up early for me and it was just wrong... I don't know why I just can't think straight anymore... I am just confused I wonder if I can pass my math test hopefully I can... I'm not sure what my future holds for me but I'm sure I want to be with knight but if I continue being selfish I don't think I can do this anymore....

I'm scared...

My heart can't take anymore stress.. I have tried to not let it effect me but it does I'm scared of my test tomorrow I do not wanna fail this test... I know I don't deserve to be saying this because I did not study but math really is really intimidating to me... I feel really bad I didn't study.... I have been also been doing lots of chores my mind has been filled with stupid things lately like I'm scared to die... I just wish this bump on my head is nothing serious. I also have to deal with the fact that my friend Jessie has her own life so I can't ask her for help in life neither my parents.... I would really like to avoid asking people for help because it would be worst for people to yell while teaching me.

On my way back home...

Today I went to pensilvailia and it was really cool except the fact I got nauseated I had to drink ginger-ale I even took some pictures I love the county side it is so calm and peaceful plus healthy grass :)

Another crappy saturday...

I try to do laundry myself at the laundry-mat and then I end up getting yelled at what the fuck is that? I mean like Its not my fault. I can't stop people from putting shit in their pockets so mrs. N is being a freaking bitch because the machine is broken.... -sighs- I mean like what the pugh and she gets mad at me for putting on the ace when she fucking runs into the shower when I was about to use it you know what? FUCK IT!

Confused...

Am I really suffocating the person I love I guess I will have to think about this rationally... maybe I have been not leaving him to breath... but what If I stop talking to him will he ... try to talk to me.. I mean he is not a talkative person so What if he thinks I am suffocating him too and he doesn't really say anything about me bothering him I am so nervous

Sunday morning

Well as you you may know its already Sunday morning and I am very unsure of how I am feeling I have been lost in thought lately that even a shower which soothes me did not help... I kept thinking about the dream I had gotten last night I surprisingly took the lead of a kiss with my boyfriend and after that he said "your kissing was quiet agressive" .... It kinda scared me to see how seriously intimate I was with him ... I wanna be serious about him but it scares me... Recently I even stopped getting mad maybe I am just afraid because I would always get sad and upset with my ex that I do not want to do the same with my current boyfriend I don't wanna loose him... And every time he would comfort me makes me feel I am not that great to be with him.... I mean like I have never felt this serious with anyone.... Except my ex I thought it was for real until I found out the truth I thought all guys were jerks until I meet knight he made me change my view and perspective about guys... I really hate people who try to keep me away from him ..... I really wanna marry knight but if my emotions are to troubling for him of how I feel I just would rather try to put his happiness before mine... Knight told me when he starts to school he has to fight with a couple of students... I really would not want him to fight because .... He just got out of the hospital last month... Which I can say scared me half to death ... But if he ends up loosing I am going to go to the hospital where he is and drag him out and beat him up myself .... I really love him and I really wanna spend my life with him.... Knight is really understanding he can be stubborn at times but the best listener I know ... I am still nervous about the fight normally I wouldn't be against his fights but this time I kinda am ... Because I know he protects his friends but it is kinda breaking the contract we had with no fighting... Does that mean I am following a contract for me only -sighs- .... It's okay I guess protecting friends goes first so I won't say anything since it was four against one .... I wish you can love me forever is it okay to hope you will love me until forever?

Saturday

So lately I have been trying to save for a iPod 4th generation because I have been sick and tired of my family trying to make me stop talking to Andrew so I am trying my best to save it I have so much money to collect so that I may get this iPod touch but other than that I went to the zoo yesterday and it was really fun so far it has been raining One of the most famous indian actors died July 11th and all of his songs that he lip sing plays haunts me but yeah I have made so much friends on CR especially my friend he is finally gonna get someone he is in love with I hope their relationship goes well and now I officially have membership from CR so i can watch new anime anytime I want I am gonna try to finish all the shows I wanted to watch and. I am still trying very best to study for the test that I have to take next month

Annoyed On A Monday

What the heck do you know about us.... you yell at me as a joke and then you go and do a bad imitation of me and then make fun ... of how I talk with my boyfriend? does that sound funny to you? WHY THE HECK DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE SHIT DO I LOOK PUGIN CALM?!!!! not only that .... I lost connection to my boyfriend.... is that funny.... everyone seems to expect a lot from me like oh "I forgive you" NO I DO NOT FORGIVE PEOPLE WHO IMITATION OF ME AND THEN MAKE FUN OH MY MAN! I am still angry with my friend she is .... trying to message me on facebook when I am not even allowed to use it anymore .... forget it I don't care... anymore... I even found out I woke up for nothing I don't have summer classes because I passed how funny.

Another Saturday...

Well hi its been a while since I last wrote in this thing I have been doing better than what I felt like before its amazing how I finally realized that sometimes when I am without someone I love it can be the most fraustrating times but hey life as we know it is not perfect well for those who know about something called "regents" its a bid test that determins if you will become a sophmore in highschool but lately I got my report card and I missed six points so now I am desperatly trying to catch up and pass this stupid math regents I pass the class but failed the test and I failed my Living Enviorment class but pass the test and all I have to say to that is "Pagh"= 'FUCK' I mean like what the heck I wish I would of studied more and now I am given the opertunity I am busy blogging about it instead of doing work you see math was never my strong point but I wish it could be..... well anyways I am off to study wish me luck :O

my hurt expression

Hi everyone so I am guessing you probaly know some problems that I am going through everyday I have been writing nothing but bad news in my blogger because really nothing good has been going on lately... not even with my best friend... the last happy moments i had was Thursday & Friday because I went to a concert at Nassau coliseum it was amazing to see the band " Jesus Culture " their stories on how they became a band amazed me so I am a total big fan of Jesus and what he has done to each and every band member... I don't know lately even though I got hurt and I want to cry they just wont come out and I become a person with a solid poker face and never let out my tears I really wish that I would be able to cry without someone treating me like a robot saying that oh don't cry or don't get mad and I am tired of when I express my feelings that one person who I thought I could trust would not judge me or get mad at me but in the end who was I kidding obviously that person did not even try to understand how I feel sometimes I think "oh do you really know how I feel?" but then my mind says shut it and just give her a next chance in my life I think I have wasted about so much time in my life giving speeches to people who I think need it and deserve to have it but, what do I deserve? Ill tell you the answer to that nothing because even with the advise I give out people end up telling me oh no you don't get it!!! and also oh I know Ill keep that advise into consideration when they really don't should I be happy or should I be sad I don't really know sometimes I feel suffocated with these emotions that I just want to let out a yell but in reality I would just sit their quietly and drowned in my depression until someone comes to save me..

My Life Officially Sucks...

well it started with me going to school I went to see what my grades and I passed everything except math now i have to take summer classes ... -sighs- and Jessie is having a good time she is with G and having fun... while I am at my friends house and I am being board because her friend is here also and I failed so now privileges will be gone still until i pass my regents..... THIS SUCKS I HATE THIS and also I have to deal with stupid Jelousy with the stupid shyt like my boyfriend he is not coming next year X( NO FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My inscure feelings that i wanna cry to...

I wanna role play with my boyfriend but now I can't I have nothing to do -sighs- oh well and my friend she looks so busy I wanna cry but I don't know how to talk about my pain I wanna talk about my feelings I wanna cry for once without being judge or given sympathy for but why can't anyone see my true self I put this mask on that I am strong which I just wish people can see that my strong personality comes from the ordeals I had before them which lots of girls comes to me for help but it hurts way to much I just HATE THIS FEELING I think no one will understand me even if they tried ... I wish I would just hurry up and go to go away college and leave here and get my life to be free from all this pain I just hate it...

Problems With Bestie :(

Recently my best friend Jessie has been unsure and insure about her relationship with the person whom she loves and, I get upset because they are meant for each other but it is also up to the boy whom she loves to be patient with her because it is very hard for her to open up she feels very insecure of course because all girls when they get boyfriends they think their not good enough for them so does the boy. But also their comes a point in time where the girl gets enough strength and that love grows from their own planted love that in time their love becomes into something far more great and impenetrable for anyone to break so honestly this blogging is for the boy she likes Jessie is my best friend and also I think of her like a sister I am sorry for being very mean to you maybe it is because i did not trust you as much as I want to but I would like to give you a chance but please do not quit before you get to know her I know you want to know her and it can be frustrating at times but believe me when you get to know the Jessie I know you will not regret knowing her happy sides sad sides evil sides and much more when ever she is in pain she doesn't talk much and when she is upset she refuses to tell me things until I tell her what makes me sad so just talk to her a lot and she will get use to you. pretty much your the first guy she has ever love so it maybe the hardest thing to open up for her but hey I just wanna tell you that you have my blessings and if you want to know anything about her or anything that your unsure of with I will always be here to help you guys that is what I need to be a person who can help her always but I want her to rely more on you instead of me so in other words I want you to have her but don't hog her to your self dude :3

innocency Feelings

I love the fact that I have a friend but not matter how much I talk to her all she ever wants to do is be me... But now she also might have a crush on my boyfriend... I don't know what to do I love him too but I like her friendship to I feel like really crying.. I haven't told my boyfriend of how I feel but maybe I should just stop talking to her so that I won't get hurt by this feeling maybe I am over reacting but I can't stand it her love for him really pains me... and not only that her depression also pains me... but not only that I feel angry every time I see her because it feels like she will betray me.

My Anger...

I don't want to talk anymore I feel like reading speak was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like that book expresses how I feel my mom herself is just hurting me and I just HATE how people in this house think I am self centered because of the fact I told and everyone in this world is just trying to get cash money. this is exactly why I wrote all these words on my folder in class last month...

Love Insuecureity

Lately i have been depressed well its only for today... but I guess you can say I haven't had much courage since I started going out with my new boyfriend, At times I would share my pain but then at times I would laugh and be happy just talking to him but now just being away from him really hurts I don't want him to .... hate me or resent me ... it hurts to much to think of something like he might leave me ... I love talking to him talking about him and other things but I am just a normal human being who gets insecure about things. I wish I was strong enough like the way he is with his love for me ... he is really handsome and I worry lots of times but I wonder if it would be okay for a little while just relax my mind for a while... sometimes my hurt feelings end up over coming me maybe its just me but I really have lots of doubts .... I don't know why I love him so much and I hardly remember anything about him.... I want to remember everything about him ... but I don't know how to I just want to remember lots of things about him so that I won't have to feel depressed about things .... I found so much quotes like "If you don’t understand my silence, how will you understand my words?" and "I miss you so much, missing you is only half the story. Hope the other half is you miss me too"this one makes my heart pain so much "I love you so much with all my love, your the only guy I always will want, you show me your love to me like no one has, you make me blush when you look straight to my eyes, promise me you wont ever leave because without you I’m lost" I am so freaking obssessed and down that I took two freaking love test -____-

Certificate: Test results
How much do you love him?

I love him he is cute but now you are just friends face him take it outside the friendship zone and try your best to make it work good luck


Take this quiz: How much do you love him?

is he the right guy for you?

60% (12 out of 20 Questions Correct)

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Can someone help ...

Right now I AM VERY PISSED RIGHT NOW WHY CAN"T PEOPLE TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT???? I am beyond mad because of the fact my dad he does not give my mom respect I might say I love him, but I HATE HOW HE TREATS MY MOM I am annoyed at my brothers they can't even give me the security that they will either protect me or even pick up the FREAKING PHONE WHEN I AM A SLEEP THEY DON"T EVEN PICK UP THE FREAKING PHONE. not only does he pretend like a TWO FACE BITCH HE EVEN CHEATS ON MY MOM IT HURTS ME I CAN"T TAKE IT.

Today...

Today I just felt that my mom was being selfish not only was she not watching tv. She decided on her own that I was the one who broke the remote when my father had dropped the remote plenty of times... I wish one day that I can just go away and not come back because even when I do good in this house I feel unwanted even through the love she gives my siblings she treats my middle brother like a prince now that he has a job and now each of my family members have started to put pressure on me for my regents exam which I hate them for. Last night I had to eat dinner really late and I still have my red eye and all I have is a stuffy nose which all I can see is blood. But in any case her not being mad for one day is like her not completing a day.

9_9Tired ....

I would like to wish everyone a happy good Friday so much has changed about me and I am not even sure you as my readers have noticed but I have finally become love struck again. I have a new boyfriend I want to shout it to the whole world but then sometimes I just wanna keep it inside because of the fact that if it doesn't work out people won't laugh at your mistakes in your relationship. Well as for me I have managed to pull a 80 average for my fourth or fifth marking period in my high school years yea I am alive and well I am not dead. So far I have been investing my time to do my homework even this break I will be busy with homework and going out with my friends I just hope my dad would give me more trust in were I am going >< one thing about parents is if you are the only child of that gender you will be cherished more than the others because your the only of that kind. I have finally even made updated my chat site where I can talk to my friends I am officially using Skype because E-Buddy had technical difficulties in its program. and on a odd topic I feel really weird that I am a freshmen pulling sleepless nights to finish my projects and high school I have come to procrastinate way more now that the marking periods are ending April is my most hated month because of the fact I get sick quickly because of my Allergies and Eczema even through April I feel most of my energy is being drained away and I get tired and lazy quickly I wonder how I can be not tired for longer :( and no napping doesn't help if I take a nap and over nap my head hurts when I get up... -sighs- well I am sorry for everyone who has read through this long entry but I just wanted to update on what is going on in my life.

Anger has reached the limit

early this morning I rode in my dad's car and I asked him to buy me a lock and he was like oh I am tired of buying you a lock "with his usual aditude" So then I was talking with my friend Kevin about my metro card and my chop-sticks getting stolen from gym class and then my dad was like oh I told you to use the clip but lastly did he forget about the fact I have to CHANGE MY CLOTHING IN GYM CLASS??? and then I yelled at him because he was acting like he knew everything he was in the wrong trying to mind other peoples buissness he doesn't solve my problems they get worst and today christine bothered me today AGAIN!!!! I do not know how much I can take so when I got home I was so depressed and stressed I fell a sleep on my bed woke up and couldn't think of anything

Today :)

I am doing a new reasearch paper in my buissness class and the it is so intreasting so I am choosed to research on Chiniese/Japanese Culture and also I picked Engineering and Computer Coding. While doing a research on Japan I found a cool website for shopping Japanese Wear/Figures/ ECT.
http://www.jbox.com/product/KNS202

Sad yet happy....

Well hi people of blogger apparently reading this might be interesting my friend already told me she likes this guy this was the beginning of the school year, I was happy at first but now she just ignored my messages in Facebook maybe I wonder if I should forget about our friendship she is my very special friend but sometimes I too have depressing times that I want to talk about I mean I really do I had dat a person who I thought was a man then It turned out to be a she now I am very upset about that. But I realized I am missing Andrew more and more I miss his voice his face and even when he cheers me up I really can say that I am falling for him and their is another guy who is my friend and he fell for me. In a week o.0 I was surprised. But I am sad I can't talk to Andrew on valintines day :(
Well that is what happened for today thank you for reading oyasuminasi

my new depression.

Hi everyone its been a while I have been really tired recently of the fact that I didn't tell my readers this but the doctor said I have a syst and it might be serious enough for me to have a brain tumor. But hey that's nothing to worry about I guess all the time I cried on this planet is enough but the only thing I want than anything in the world is leave with a peace that my best friend Jessie won't hurt herself but lately she says that I quote "your changing" and things like.... "u say its my turn to talk but when i start u get angry of the topic, so i dont say anything..." To my knowledge I am not changing I am just wondering where in deed did I go wrong was it my fault I told her that "You wasted my dad's car Gas/You wasted my time?" People always say that they love to hear my opinion but in the end they either choose to not follow it or let me talk for the sake of talking when I get mad at a topic its not because of the fact I am mad at you talking about it I am mad at the fact I can't even protect the one I really care about because I am not even in the same school obviously I would get mad but today I got so mad that Jessie said the line "I DO NOT CARE" at a certain point everyone says that but they don't say it to a certain point where it becomes their catch phrase I heard this line from her for only one time and I blew my top off because I too have problems with my family with their arguments I too must zone out all of the arguments from my parents don't you think if I wanted to I could leave by now but I know that won't get me anywhere I am doing my grades for myself I practice what I preach I don't just tell you to do good for the sake of doing

Headache :#

Everything you say or do why do we have to be criticized from head to toe by parents, strangers and people in the whole? Well Ill tell you because it is the natural human nature to judge every little thing that one person does. Anyways thats not what I wanted to write about in today's blogger. I just wanted to write about how my day was, It was pretty good until miss N. came home she was very judge-mental as usual I started got a headache, and a cold as usual I have caught yet again and some other things I really want to cry about but I will not cry. I will try to be strong I have so much work to do I have to type a prototype test for my Romeo & Juliet oral presentation and then I have to make an intro for what the play is about and I did not even start I am slacking again I need to work harder. My true feelings on what I wear now is not because of no one I just love that earring because it looks cool not because of girls who wear long earrings... I have started to write a new story its coming along pretty good so far I might just make a new blogger page for it but I am not sure so I hope that I am able to write this story good and draw the characters how I make them sound out to be other than that I am not sure if I will be able to write in my blogger more often because of the fact I am going to be doing school work and trying to finish my Romeo & Juliet paper it is due this week friday after all and also I might be playing Dissidia 012 so I won't have much time to do anything at all.