Tonight

So tonight was really cool I got to have Dinner with Leah and my family. On the second note I got a second dose of cramps and it hurts so much I was crying for 30 minutes straight my boyfriend had one of his friends over and he was busy because he was hanging out with him I feel Kinda bad that I don't get along with his friend not because of his friend but because of it my boyfriend is thoughtful and doesn't video chat I haven't video chat with him in a while.... I kinda miss seeing my boyfriend and talking to him I roleplay with him and text talk with hi but I really do miss him... when I messaging him a hour ago he didn't respond... I kinda feel left out and a loner...

Morning already

Well I am not waking up anytime soon today I am actually going to bed now I have been at "it" for 3 long hours and it was so rough that it hurts -looks tired and yawns! I want my boyfriend to be around me when it happens so I can be easily helped when I am in need so I am gonna go to sleep now before I get anymore tired than I already am.

Monday

So today was a very tiring day I went out in the snow and walked a little... But my brother didn't know I left because I was supposedly am to be on bed rest but I left secretly -.< and then when I came back my brother he was fixing the chicken coop up so I helped a little even though it hurt a lot. I felt so suffocated But my boyfriend calmed me down I was still depressed but after I talked to him and then played with my chickens Dawn and Buffy they cheered me right up!!!

.. Happy :)

Today I have been very busy with trying to buy my outfit to go out with my friends i had so much going on it was amazing and apparently I had to go get new clothing i was upset cause they didn't have the dress i wanted but i choose choice (1) and (2) as a replacement and since I was up since 6 in the morning I am going to bed now nighty night...

He came back...

My ex is now attending my school and I had a fight and he literally won this fight. My boyfriend is probably very annoyed with him... I am annoyed at one thing which is that I lost in a fight... How funny is this... I feel so horrid now... I hate this...I didn't tell Andrew cause I thought I would worry him but in the end all I did was worry him more than was needed... Now I am still getting threatening calls from my ex... he said should do something for him in order for him not to hurt me again... I really don't want to...

Answer- WTF you can do!

Listen and listen fucking good you go on and on how you love me right?!!! How about you stop being a fucking dumb ass dick and start being a flipping a man the guy whom I once loved was not a fucking dumb ass pussy who would not tell people what he thinks or not even the truth. If our fucking love is strong then we should be able to handle just one more family knowing about our relationship. YOU know this is you answer you SHOULD TELL YOUR FUCKING MOM!!! You want me to tell you my view point okay WISE ASS I don't care how MUCH DAMN MONEY YOU PAYED FOR PROM! You want to be logical okay fine ill give you your money back for prom if I have I but you as my boyfriend should not even put a price on the mere fact YOUR GPING WITH YOUR FUCKING EX. I said it was okay to act with her Because I know you really love to act HECK IF I COULD I WOULDN'T CARE IF ANYONE FOUND OUT WE WHERE DATING!!! I CAN HANDLE MYSELF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Now for prom you said I quote " your going to prom with a friend." This was last year now you tell me your going with your Ex!!!! ... NOT EVEN THAT YOU TELL ME YOUR ACTING IN DRAMA CLUB WITH HER. I feel like my position as your girlfriend is diminishing and you know what the fucked up part is that I didn't even know you where gonna go with your ex until TODAY!!!! and you know what I have I have to say?? Of course don't because you know why?? Which GIRLFRIEND WOULD BE HAPPY THEIR CURRENT BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO PROM WITH THEIR EX??? You know what else is the biggest fucked up part is that if I had gone to prom with my ex you would be really pissed showing it to me.
Maybe you wanted me to show you how concerned I am to you going to prom. BUT I DID!!!! and is it me or do you not care of my concern or do you not remember we having this conversation?

Protect me..

Their are times I hate myself for not being soft as a girl who always is strong... Because when I am hurt I try to pull it all in and I hate that I try to hide my sadness... I hate putting out fake feelings I wanna cry in the open... I want someone to comfort me I miss that.... I miss lots of things but I am just a stupid asshole who doesn't deserve anything.

Waiting...

So I was really just wondering my boyfriend said his phone would be turned on back I texted him but no reply yet... I guess I got to get a hold of myself and not expect anything from him i really wish that my lustful body would calm down but ALi can do now is just wait for him again ill sit here on my chair looking out the window.... Waiting for him...

Today.

So I just wanted to share with you guys that.... 

yes Its that time to tell you guys my decision or maybe I did I don't remember if I told you this but I am very much in love with my boyfriend. On some unfortunate note my mom found out about our relationship I wanted to keep it a secret until it bloomed into a marriage proposal but instead it turned out really bad because my mom now officially believes I am going out with someone in school which I am not.... I was suppose to not talk to my boyfriend for a week. So that I can relight our love into a stronger love but it actually worked more faster than I thought it would because I only had to think about my answer for two days. I figured my life and answer out because my boyfriend was practically the one thing I would come home and wondered about the most .... I guess you can say I was a addict I just needed to learn how to give him some space like I said he is selfish sometimes which makes him SOO NOT cute! At times but if you put us together we are like a dynamic duo which people envy to have. If I had to choose to date Andrew in my other life I would date him over and over again. Which not much people can say about their lovers but I can say that about my hubby... But that one day I get to kiss him...

I feel will be most embarrassing because of the fact I am horrible at kissing -____-||||| but it doesn't mean I wont try to because really if I do kiss him he will be my first love and the first guy to ever kiss me I never really had a first kiss.. because the only physical contact I ever had was a kiss on the cheek by my ex... and I wanna do more and more stuff with my boyfriend so that I can say he was better than all the other guys I dated... I am sad I didn't get a package and I hope he can keep his promise... because my last boyfriend he promised me to send me a dolphin teddy bear and it was a huge disappointment cause he never sent me one... :'( but I believe in my hubby now that he can make me better, and give me whatever I want in order to keep us happy. I really am sad that he is going to prom with someone else .... He might also has to grab this girls butt in a play who... is his ex... not only that its the girl he dated before me I think... they might still like each other what if they relight their love... and remises about things only they could remember... I have my doubts ... It kinda hurts to kinda sit here and think about it but.. I am a Baka for actually thinking all these things. 

Break of Innocents

So apparently my ex boyfriend's friend has had the nerve to challenge me to a fight on Monday. I am DONE Being NICE AND INNOCENT to the damn fact that she had the nerve to say the only reason why I am dating Andrew is because I can't any other freaking cock!!! Correction miss fuck face this cock is not just any smallish thing it's 10 FUCKING inches! I just wanted to make the statement clear that I don't love him just for his damn big thing!!! I love him for the freaking man he is not for the damn biggest body parts he has. I can't live with out him and if people can't hear what the fuck I say about loving him for his brains, his tallness, and his damn epicness of literary making me not cry well I don't know the fuck is this feeling and you know what fuck trying to tell myself oh I lost to her!! that was the me before and now is now I am going to fuck her up and win and when I win she WILL APOLOGIZE TO ANDREW AND TRAIN WILL APOLOGIZE TO HIM TOO!!!!

A change.

Lately I have been wanting change and just wanted a break of thinking about my relationship and I really wanna know what you guys think of the topic love I am going to start writing a blogger on certain topics. I hope that you too believe in my ideas.. (Here is the new link) http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5411761330259839765#pageelements

Stomach

My stomach feels like a hell whole :( It hurts so fucking much I have to take deep breaths so it won't affect me. My stomach hurts so much... I wish I could tell my boyfriend that I wanted to talk to him yesterday I didn't want to feel alone yesterday but I felt it was useless no matter how much I texted him he would not answer. I feel like I am being ignored maybe I should just go away....

What a day

So here is my make up for yesterdays post as you probably don't know yesterday was stress relieving but stressful The relieving part was getting to know that Andrew wouldn't get mad at the fact am me fucking cursing all the time :O The other thing would be that he opened up to me about something which I am kinda to lazy to describe and it is too much to actually right but Andrew finally told me his side of his faults which I think is very funny he states that he is... 

" I'm arrogant selfish narcissistic as hell and snap to easily and sometimes just don't want to tell you what's wrong so I just don't tell you and I keep Some things from you and I purposely piss you off sometimes and I'm too possessive and quite easily jealous." - Andrew

Which I think is down right fucking true which I am glad that he admits to his mistakes and sometimes I really wonder if he can change that. He is keeping from me one secret which I hope isn't bad but in which case he said its not back because he said "it could bring us closer together"

But the thing that throughs me off is that he will regret saying it... I wonder what it is but hey curious kills the cat oh that reminds me I saw a dead cat today on my way from home. Since I was to busy to tell you about this incident I might as well update you guys so I got into a physical fight and this girl almost lost her life... I only realized what happened when her blood was on my hands... So I hope that I get into no charges for assault or some shit.

The stressful thing that happened was that my brother I loaned him $10.00 and he used it to smoke cigarets which I HATE CIGS but I guess he thinks it was funny to write on his facebook... 

"I don't think when my parents undermine & degrade me they'd ever realize how much more depressed and helpless it makes me feel. How unmotivated and useless they make me feel. Its the reason I try to never be home around people who have no hope in my success. And instead surround myself with friends that actually believe in my success. They may indulge in bad things according to my family. But those bad things helped me find myself. I may do bad things against there will but I still have a good heart. But they will never know that.. Its sad actually." 

To be honest I understand where my mother is coming from she spend so much time investing in our college that she doesn't even have enough time to even get for her damn self their are a lot of bosses that she had work for and gave her bull shit and you know what she has to do? is suck it up and keep on going just for me to get an education and just so that my middle brother can get a roof over her head. 

My brother states he is depressed and helpless DAMN YOU ARE NOT HANDY CAP YOU ARE NOT FREAKING HANDY CAP NIGAHH!!!! seriously my older brother all he does is tell my middle brother to try and my middle bro is like " I am fixing my resume or profile " dude you did that three months ago. you don't need to be high to be motivated how about you think about if our mom was about to not live anymore where would you live? dude you certainly not gonna be living off your sister cause for all I know I wanna be with my babe and not help your ass I want my own life. We are family and if you look at it my mom is only upset at the fact that you don't get what she is telling you she is only looking out for your well being I mean like she wants to make sure that you are okay before she is not living anymore thats everyones parents wish to make sure their children are well capable of living on your own and not depending on your parents every DAMN TIME you get laided off your damn job. 

Here is my little thinking how about you do this brother how about you save your money then go to our older brother to help you with a website I am sure my older brother won't mind. Then you can draw some little designs for T-shirts that people might like. Or maybe some drawings who know you never know who is looking on your website. Then you see all that time you waist at home? how about you make a ad in the newspaper about your website or how about you give out business cards in the city? I am a good business person but you my friend all you "THINK ABOUT IS OHHH I AM MISUNDERSTOOD! FUCK THAT LOGIC." I understand that our mom is not a great person to communicate with at times but she is looking for our best intreats she is not looking for us to be sad. You also said that mom doesn't let you out of the house have you seen what you have been doing that makes her not let you back in? you come home 3 or 2 am in the morning well you use to and now you still come home a little late she gets pissed when you come home high. I mean which parent would allow their kids to smoke? 

I would allow my kids to so they can get their curiosity out but I wouldn't allow them to do it all the fucking time that would let them get so effected they can't function . 

Day 2

So last night I read a book called imperfections and I learned that you don't have to try to fix imperfections or fix the relationship. I also learned that miscommunication can affect our relationship but I also learned that I was also wrong in many ways like.... I always doubt my boyfriend every time he talks to a girl or even has a good relationship with his friends. when really I should be giving him space to allow him to spend time with his friends. Also to put it straight I am always doubting that i am pretty or even right for him its not him its me who keeps doubting him and my other problem is when he is buys I automatically think he is upset with me I keep hiding my feelings towards the emotions I think about and I think that also effects our relationship :I 

Part II day 1

I just realized that reading the book relief of imperfections helped me more than I thought.. The quote.."forget perfect. Establish and cherish the good-enough relationship by being a good enough partner. Talk. Listen. Laugh... Avoid being disrespectful... Stay clear about what you like, what you want, where you set your limits. Be Flexible. Adapt. I thought this part of the book I should quote because I think I am gradually finding out who I am again. I promise you everyone I will find whom I was meant to be and bring back that girl whom I once was :)

Day 1

so today is the starting day of not talking to my boyfriend and I don't think I will actually need a week cause I think I summed up all the things that I wanted to write down that was bothering me... funny huh I am actually pretty fast when it comes to thinking.... I don't know I just put random thing on my paper so I am just gonna copy everything and put it on this one blog entry :O

My day started with a text from Tavis needing help on something and he litterly got mad at me because he read his damn text messages wrong so I am just gonna ignore him for now anyways, moving on. After that I went to school and I was late apparently AGAIN >:O

Here are some of the questions I was thinking today...

1. Can I donate my heart to you?
2. How are you doing?
3. What is the whole reason why you became Emo?
4. Who are you going to prom with? 
5. How much do you love me... ?
6. When will I ever get my package?
7. What can I do to better myself as a girlfriend or just generally as a girl?

(A) Try to stop being so damn jealous

(B) Share my thoughts

What is bothering you and why?

1. whats bothering me is when I am on vacation I wonder what will happen I am nervous as fuck.. If you asked me why I would say its because this is the first time I will be meeting your family Heck Ill be meeting you for the first time and of course I would be worried we always flirt on the computer and not really touch each other you know? 
2. Prom... you told me you where going with a friend and I cant even be their for that of course I would be jealous you will be dancing with her won't you? you would be jealous if I did the same thing wouldn't you?
3. The other thing I worry about the most is that when you got to college you meet someone way more maturer than me...
4. Im scared of being alone... Im coming out the closet to tell you that night I kept asking you if you where okay with you heart ( which was yesterday ) I kept praying for you to get better why do you ask becauseI love you so much you can live with my heart just so you can keep living my life means nothing If your not okay.
5. Everyday I forget things about you which makes scares me... lots of things scary me and this is only one day of my thinking.... 

Side note 

you may have rages that scares me at times but what can I tell you? I am very attracted to you so not matter if our love grows stronger or weak I fucking LOVE YOU! 

Kissin!???

I miss you and it's damn morning already the fuck I am really fucking getting sick and tired of not being able to sleep earlier I love you and want to have the experience to kiss you again and again I'm fucking jealous and excited right now
Btw good morning babe hope you have a great day at school (in case your reading this before going to school) I just wanted you to know ill be their for you if you need me.

Fuck sleep

I am really worried about Andrews friend to be honest if she is in so much pain I wonder what's wrong with her.... I to shy to ask my boyfriend what's wrong with her and I think it's very insensitive to ask what's wrong with her.... So I guess I'll be quiet and not ask.... but I really do hope she is okay...

....

I'm going to be alone again... Aren't I ... I hate thinking like this and now I know what to do an you know what I am not going to talk to my mother in church or sit near her in church... because its like I don't exist in front of her anymore I am not going to sit near her EVER...!!! She can find someone else to sit near to... I am fucking tired of feeling useless... Yesterday I felt useless not able to help my boyfriend with his health problems and now I can't help with how to comfort him when his closest friend is in the hospital and I am even feeling the most stupidest jealousy right now towards him liking his friends statuses... Cause he never likes mine anymore.... I AM FEELING INVISIBLE CAN SOMEONE SEE ME AND TALK TO ME DAMMIT!!!! Do I have to be kidnapped or something or killed for someone to pay attention to me???

Tonight...

My boyfriend as in pain and as usual I felt like I could not be of any help to him I don't know what to talk to him about when this happens I don't have any thoughts anymore I do want him to tell me when he is in pain but you know what I wish that he would be healed.... I hate him being in pain it gives me emotional pains to see him like that... I want to be the shoulder he leans on when he feels sad and unhappy about something...

My journey has begun

Hi everyone so I was going to Start off by telling you I am finally going to try to become a different person I will go back or try to at least go back to the girl who cursed a lot speaks her mind and tries to make her boyfriend laugh I am going to try to be confident and by the end of this week I am going to be confident and not give a freaking damn as to how I feel so anyways good morning guys and I really never though up of a revolution this year but my New Years resolution is to get my babe back to being interested in me. Night everyone.

My troubled heart... March 8

So earlier this morning me and my brother was talking and he said I should have a few aces up my sleeve so that I can make my boyfriend want me more.... And basically I feel I already screwed up... So now I feel like I already had lost the game... I feel that my boyfriend has little intreats in me as he once did maybe I am just self conscious but I am already thinking like that what if he is starting to get tired of me yes I do understand that he would tell me if he gets tired of means yes he is not like the other guys but I feel so dissatisfied with these thoughts of him putting his friends before me when we do talk we hardly talk and durning the weekends it's even harder to reach him... Even when he had a phone I felt like he didn't even want to answer or talk to me.
I am not saying that you can't hang out with your friends I am just saying just let me know.

Inner thoughts...

I am a damn hindrance to you right now aren't If I am just say so damn it!!! I don't know why I have to deal with always being put on hold... I am sick of this always having to wait for my turn to be talk to or wanted and NO I WILL NOT LIGHTEN UP FOR ANY LIGHT OF DAY! Right now I feel second place... I wish I didn't think that way but every damn time we talk I think it's damn UNFAIR that I have to wait to be talked to... Or even when I am talking that
One of these scenarios happen 1) your boyfriend is not available for FaceTime (2) I promise to call you back but doesn't (3) -falls a sleep- (4) oh my friend needs help... I know I am not prefect but I am starting to get really annoyed at these scenarios it's like me his girlfriend was in line for lunch but instead of lunch I was online to talk to him and when my turn comes his friends skips me and they cut me in line.

What a night!!

What a night this turned out to be I have been relieving myself only to find I wasn't able to get relieved from my boyfriend not even that I get the complete let down of getting only a apology tomorrow and not today... I feel extremely tired and excited but I can't get help again... So since that's the case I am gonna be mean.... -evil face- I beg you and then we get to role-play but then you fall a sleep why a big cliff hanger

Poem

Split seconds we were trying to make it work of not letting you flip out
One misunderstanding made our relationship ended up sinking in the quicksand can someone please through us a branch?? So we can get out of here?

My love for you will not wither like a rose
But will only flourish like a flower garden
For The Lord said to forgive not 7 time but 7x77.

Your words are soft spoken but, Also like daggers they are great to protect us and also their bad because their killing us.

My soul will continue to pray that our walls will be broken. Facing our problems together taking mature steps and not baby ones...

As to the world I love Andrew Weaver.

Story!

Once their was a girl who love this boy with all of her heart she had problems with expressing herself and so she made a blogger to write how her day went and how she would write in this like a journal.
So she did and now that this journal was made she loved writing it in it everyday because it helped the two lovers to understand each other better. Then one day the girl try's to explain why she wasn't answering to his texts that's because she NEVER had IT WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE! but the boy got really mad and flipped out and cursed at her and even told her he wouldn't talk to her for a while
The girl was laughing but then the laughing had turned into tears she finally had snapped and then her parents even flipped on her she wanted to kill herself it felt like everyone was getting mad at her.. It felt as though she was gonna suffocate and maybe not even be able to breath she suffocated her tears and held it in.

My hurt

Not trusting me and then all of the words have been ringing in my ears I have no idea what I did wrong I know everything is suppose to not effect me I know words are not suppose to hurt me but what about the words by someone you love is this really happening... Did you just curse at me your words are like daggers to me that actually hurt... I left my iPod alone to get the door for my brothers girlfriend and right now the words you said hurt do you understand words hurt me you know that more than anyone... broken hearts, pain and everything... does everyone think they can hurt me??? I am useless as it is my esteem is bad as it fucking is already? I try to explain but you think your answer was reasonable??? I am not going to apologize for something as stupid as this not to mention I didn't do anything to get cursed at! Trying to be as much understanding as possible and this is like your trying my patients and just like a kick in my stomach.

I realized

It's Sunday morning and I just realized that what Andrew has been saying is true if I let things flow to me I can get good marks in school but I think I have not applied that yet. Anyways I am gonna study really hard and try to pass these exams. But another thing I realized is as to why I was excited for the whole week I got "that" so now my body is in so much damn pain it hurts a lot though :| I wish the pain can ease down... Other than that I have a shit load of homework to do still cause it took me from the time I came back from staples to 10 almost going to 11 to finish my global project all I need to do is educate myself now on NAFTA and make that girls project look like shit :) !!

Can't stop missin u

I didn't role play o.o -twitches-
I feel so board I just finished doing my project I miss my boyfriend :( .. He went to bed before me... No fair!!! .... I feel annoyed -twitches with frustration- I wanna Roleplay and play around in the Roleplay so bad right now :( ...!!! I wish my boyfriend could do this now... >\\\<!!!

No sleep

So apparently I didn't sleep at all and I have about so little sleep to get in now I wish Andrew would hurry up and FaceTime call me I am still waiting.. -sighs- well I am gonna give up for the night and head off to bed night everyone.