Consumption

I have been consuming a lot of sadness and pain from my body because their are more scars that appeared I guess I am gonna cry again tonight.... Why is it am I not surprised I wanna talk knight about it but I am just so stressed out I do not feel well I really feel like passing out and not able to go on... I feel really horrible like I can't trust anyone... Knight might get tired of my depressed and low esteem again..

Morning...

Everyone keeps saying I will get better I feel really sad that I look really sick not only that I found out I can have multiple reasons as to why my eczema got worst It could be because of my diet I stop drinking water and also I had more soda then water so my emuniety was really bad and still is.

Today..

I was suppose to hang out with Jessie but in the end it was cancelled because my mom and dad refused for me to go to my appointment to fix my iPod but on the great news my iPod is alive again all thanks to my older bro well anyway I have eczema and I am still trying to treat it so hopefully everyone at school won't look at my face to much I am really getting depressed cause I still am thinking on what I should do about this guy who is bothering me because what if he keeps bothering me I am so tired of thinking that.. And i role played today and did the Laundry.

My past

    In the past I used to love this boy but he rejected me so I finally got over him when he left because he went on vacation to Greece he came back from Greece and asked me out which I refused then when I was pursading him to go out with me I said I would do anything and he said anything and I said yes so he asked me to do oral then he would know if i was meant for him I thought he was the one but we never did make it because I chickened out and yeah stuff like that I thought we where friends but in the end I realized he wanted to use my body because he asked me to do oral so he would know if we would be good boyfriend and girlfriend. (this happened when I was 12/13) So now I am busy crying about him pestering me on my cell phone and Facebook all because he I promised him oral but I have a boyfriend (knight) and he would be mad if I did that because it is considered cheating and I feel that he is dangerous to me... Save me please knight...

Angry at knight....

I wish that you would talk to me I called you text you and not to mention FaceTime called you I do understand you tend to sleep when you get board but at least keep your promise and I know I screwed up with MR. A in my room but you broke your promise not only that I feel annoyed I know Its probally my fault and I accept that but that wasn't a excuse to not follow up with your bargain now you can't tease me because you said you wouldn't tomorrow now I am upset I have to go to sleep again without you saying goodnight or even a kiss goodnight not only that I am not saying anything anymore I am upset now.... -.- if knight wants he can text me in the morning to FaceTime but other than that if knight wants me to speak to him again he is gonna have to make up for this one I am SOOOO not giving into your tease apologizing so good luck KNIGHT

message to all readers :)

well I just wanted to write a quick reminder to all that my I-pod has been shot in the engine hope fully I can get a warranty I-pod and I won't have to pay for it but I will have to pay for my own warranty so that if anything goes wrong with it I can fix it again :( I am so unhappy I might not be able to upload blogger for a while so people who want to talk to me will have to talk to me either on Facebook-Cell-Ebuddy until I go to Roosevelt Feild Mall :I

Funny thing...

Well today was funny because I sent one of my friends (Tiffey) a message I was suppose to send to my boyfriend (knight) so later today knight was like "Selina why u know txt or call me?" and then I realized I had sent (Tiffey) the good morning babe message lol funny huh >w~ well last night i had some great sleep i feel so refreshed and it felt GREAT for once and I had Ice-cream cone man was that great now I am roleplaying like a crazy maniac and I am sooo enjoying it my character looks like this....

Tonight...

Lately i am not tired and I feel like it is my fault everyone keeps arguing around me it was probally best if I die even my medication has zero affects it always itches more than it does and now this is like the 4th time I cried myself to bed I wanna call knight or text him but he has school so I don't wanna wake him either well I guess I wrote how I feel down and also lately I feel like not eating... I wonder why people keep staring at me like I am a alien....

Today...

So their I am trying to talk to knight when all of a sudden boom -eyes get drowsy- and he falls a sleep TT^TT GRR!!! I'll tell you one thing the fight that I had was epic yet so annoying because I might loose tomorrow cause her friends might jump in.... Not only that something has been bothering me but I am not stressing about it but it keeps bothering me... >.< oh well I guess I can think about that later so stupid :( ... And I even got a 0 on a test and failed a english test... Not only that I am curious who was the "friend" knight talk to he says friends it's BUGGING ME GAHHH I am so crazy upset and worried about tomorrow.

Positive day ..

Today was actually a good Saturday until I got into a argument with Mrs N. I am happy now because I am roleplaying with knight :) and Monday I get to hang out with mary... And I am kinda sad because I yelled at Jessie and made her cry but I was also in pain but now I can't be her best friend is killing me even more until she proves she is my Best friend it's whatever.

Today ..

Well today at church one of my brothers friend I'll call him D. He litterly figured out that I was scared and could here voices and things around me and I was scared he knew some stuff I didn't even know but I knew I was feeling I felt in a corner and scared but I don't know how I felt I just feel like I am hiding my sad face under my happy face and it scares me.... I don't know what I am going thru even I said it was okay for my friend to use me but deep down it hurt when I said that I also love knight but I am scared what if I love him and his expectations for me are so high? I don't know what I think anymore...

My positively tiring day...

I actually fell a sleep in a class and it was third period class all because I didn't eat breakfast that sucks :( but oh we'll at-least I get to role-play with knight he thought of a good role-play Idea I am so happy with the new role-play. I even caught a cold

First day of school...

I have been so tired of first day of school because I have lunch 7th period and it is so hard... I am finally a sophomore but i don't feel like it. I finally got to add Lindsay on my Facebook we knew each other since kindergarten and she was just so depresses about biology and in not getting it. She is like my first best friend but we never shared secrets. we where just so into talking to each other and hanging out when we where kids I miss the old days. On the other hand I have a practice test tomorrow I history and in math both math classes I am so nervous. I played modern girl and top girl and I can hardly wait for tomorrow when I can start mycandylove the game I haven't played so my ap points can build :D I miss knight cause he had to go early and he said he would call me but passed out and he said he wouldn't I promise myself I won't get angry even if he does something I dot like because it's the best way for things to not go wrong in our relationship.

A summary on what happened.

Saturday Sep 1
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Today I have had a great day well half half because Its my brothers birthday he is finally 30 I had some italian food at the party it was so amazing we had some good cake also sorry didn't upload a picture of the cake :(

Sunday September 2
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My skin condition got worst and I looked like a Scaled snake TT---TT
But my brother bought cortisone for my scaly eyes it hardly works but it's okay I guess. When I came back home from church I had A slushi from the ice cream truck Mmm tasty then when I got into my room Mrs N kept going on of how useless I am that I don't do laundry and that I brought up a cup but it was really her because their was orange juice stains in it.

Monday September 3 (memorial day)
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Today I role-played with Harneet and knight it was pretty fun I had a blast I helped Tiffey print her home work then Mrs. N came in and got mad cause I couldn't hear her calling me and hit me she was calling me names yet again probably I can finally hang loose a lil
Cause my mom goes back to work I will finally get breathing space.

So sick...

My skin condition keeps worsening and I need some medicine before kids in class start making fun of me I hope I will get some type of coverage before I go back to school =____= (to be continued)

Today I....

Spent some time with my friend Tiffey we had fun making cup cakes it turned out really yummy then, I have to work on a slide show which I have to finish tonight :( which I am tired as it is. I even wanna talk to knight and roleplay but he is to busy so I won't bother him.. Anyways I love the cup cakes

... Tiring day..

I have such a Tiring day I went to a eye doctor and then they examined my eyes I choose my new glasses and I should get them by Saturday, that's not even half of it I went to do some Tasks with my older bro and I had to wait in a car for 2 hours and 30 mins until he finished in a hot freaking car... Then tomorrow I think is the day where Doing a surprise birthday party for my older bro but then again I have nothing to wear so I have to buy a new outfit and buy a present for him and get hair washed at a Solon because my hair has way to much blemishes on it for me to clean I am hopefully planning to get it straightened so that it won't be to much and it will have this sleek look to it.

Hurt feelings...

Well today as none of you may know I went walking with a guy who had rejected me. We had talked only for 15minutes and he is going into the army I am thinking good for him that horne-y bastard I'm hoping he fails his mission but then I realized why do I even want him to die? Anyways that's not the reason why I am hurt while I was talking to him he said knight might forget me when he heads to collage before me and might move on.... But why do I keep thinking that... I know he loves me but then again every guy keeps leaving me for someone else or cause I am Emo and if I hurt myself I can't believe this thought keeps lingering FUCKING HATE THIS DOUBT
FEELING

My anger!!!.....

I want to put both of my parents on a fucking island then blow them up. Why the heck is it everyone in this house questions where the fuck I get money? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Especially when they are the ones who gave me fucking money and when I told them I BOUGHT IT I AM THE FUCKING BAD GUY FOR SPENDING MY MONEY? You got to be shitting me. Mr A he is such a asshole when I mentioned things about taking me to the mall he told me my bro would take me. When I do not want my brother to take me because they tell me what the fuck to wear I mean like I don't mind wearing but when i am told to dress like a freaking nun i get pissed when I am told what to wear but when the fuck will I get to wear what the fuck I want? I mean like u am in Freaking high school screw what they think. Also they Think my clothing draws attention no idiots it doesn't because when I wore a black long sleeve shirt fully covered I remind you this fucking old guy still hit on me I want my fucking clothing NOW I can't have my brother buying underclothing for me. Then MRS N starts bitching at me and arguing with me about I am like my brothers self centered and what not are you kidding me I AM THE ONLY FUCKING ONE DOING CHORSE even watering garden, pick up mail, do laundry, dry and pack away clothing and then un-top of that vacume and then take care of a bird and then more stuff like clean the bathroom. It is really unfair that I am being called selfish when I really am not. When everyone else is being the selfish one their is also times my MRS N. thinks I am her maid she leaves coffee cup in the sin and then also when she gets home I have to leave my room and serve her orange juice when she herself is close to the Freaking kitchen I mean like do I not do enough?

The Story of the worst sleep... EVER!

Last night I did not sleep well enough and In the end I woke up really late because of the fact I got annoyed of a mosquito which kept flying around me and got me Parrinoid the whole night so now that mosquito is in quiet a better place now.... Last night I did not sleep well enough and In the end I woke up really late because of the fact I got annoyed of a mosquito which kept flying around me and got me Parrinoid the whole night so now that mosquito is in quiet a better place now.... Hopefully I won't have any annoying bugs who drink my blood like crazy like vampires :( I won't have any annoying bugs who drink my blood like crazy like vampires :(
(Later that night)
I wanna be crying no mrs bitch decided to be mean for no fucking reason why? Was it because I didn't talk to her today? Well you ignored me yesterday and the completely ignored me am I suppose to be happy about that? Seriously am I suppose to fucking be happy? I am sick of her and I just wanna start school already so I can stop stressing in this fucking house.

I Am Tired...

I went on a walk with jessie it was fun but not as fun as yesterday it's probably cause it was late that we took the walk instead of early knight he went to his school open house today I miss him a lot I came home from hanging with harneet and. Jessie and I had so much fun but as soon as I come home I cleaned the fridge a little and my bro came home early and he can't hang out with me tomorrow so now I am going to be alone tomorrow
Again.... FREAKING ALONE AGAIN!!!

Today...

I waited for the ice cream truck to pass by my house but I missed him because I was sleeping then while I was waiting I took a picture of a monarch butterfly drinking nectar from a flower it was so pretty I am also beat from walking I walked with Jessie which is one of my close friends and we where just having so much fun I mean we had a amazing walk around our jr High school

Why did this happen...?

For one split second i think we would of got to talk but in the end I got knight in trouble I hope he doesn't... Does his brother not accept me as knights girlfriend am I a bad person..... I am kinda holding tears especially when he starts school he will busy and not be able to talk to me... I guess I don't know what I should do.... I do not want to be alone or not be able to talk to knight tomorrow because Thursday.... I still won't be able to talk to him..... I do have a low self esteem it's true .... But maybe the thing I really want people to see is I am not smart, pretty, and have a nice heart but if you ever need help I am always their to assist you. I really hate the miles we are apart what I would kill to be in his school. I hope knight didn't get grounded I am stressing like crazy -sighs- I wonder if he is okay cause he isn't picking up my cell phone calls

The cruddy day.

Another crappy day I caught a fever and now my eyes are supper tired and my back and head hurts supper much. I even think I am going to finally be okay tomorrow about train my ex boyfriend that I broke up not talking to me first tomorrow is suppose to be his b-day and our ex anniversary but I officially have a new anniversary which is April 3 with my knew smexy boyfriend knight -///////-

The mind is a selfish thing.

I have been thinking my life was everything but what about the person who gave birth to me I really miss her she goes through so much for me yet I hurt her I can't say how much I am great full to her but even when I got bullied by her she still tries her best o understand me but now she is mad again at me I guess you can say I am really a useless person even when it came to my boyfriend knight I made him wake up early for me and it was just wrong... I don't know why I just can't think straight anymore... I am just confused I wonder if I can pass my math test hopefully I can... I'm not sure what my future holds for me but I'm sure I want to be with knight but if I continue being selfish I don't think I can do this anymore....

I'm scared...

My heart can't take anymore stress.. I have tried to not let it effect me but it does I'm scared of my test tomorrow I do not wanna fail this test... I know I don't deserve to be saying this because I did not study but math really is really intimidating to me... I feel really bad I didn't study.... I have been also been doing lots of chores my mind has been filled with stupid things lately like I'm scared to die... I just wish this bump on my head is nothing serious. I also have to deal with the fact that my friend Jessie has her own life so I can't ask her for help in life neither my parents.... I would really like to avoid asking people for help because it would be worst for people to yell while teaching me.

On my way back home...

Today I went to pensilvailia and it was really cool except the fact I got nauseated I had to drink ginger-ale I even took some pictures I love the county side it is so calm and peaceful plus healthy grass :)

Another crappy saturday...

I try to do laundry myself at the laundry-mat and then I end up getting yelled at what the fuck is that? I mean like Its not my fault. I can't stop people from putting shit in their pockets so mrs. N is being a freaking bitch because the machine is broken.... -sighs- I mean like what the pugh and she gets mad at me for putting on the ace when she fucking runs into the shower when I was about to use it you know what? FUCK IT!

Confused...

Am I really suffocating the person I love I guess I will have to think about this rationally... maybe I have been not leaving him to breath... but what If I stop talking to him will he ... try to talk to me.. I mean he is not a talkative person so What if he thinks I am suffocating him too and he doesn't really say anything about me bothering him I am so nervous

Sunday morning

Well as you you may know its already Sunday morning and I am very unsure of how I am feeling I have been lost in thought lately that even a shower which soothes me did not help... I kept thinking about the dream I had gotten last night I surprisingly took the lead of a kiss with my boyfriend and after that he said "your kissing was quiet agressive" .... It kinda scared me to see how seriously intimate I was with him ... I wanna be serious about him but it scares me... Recently I even stopped getting mad maybe I am just afraid because I would always get sad and upset with my ex that I do not want to do the same with my current boyfriend I don't wanna loose him... And every time he would comfort me makes me feel I am not that great to be with him.... I mean like I have never felt this serious with anyone.... Except my ex I thought it was for real until I found out the truth I thought all guys were jerks until I meet knight he made me change my view and perspective about guys... I really hate people who try to keep me away from him ..... I really wanna marry knight but if my emotions are to troubling for him of how I feel I just would rather try to put his happiness before mine... Knight told me when he starts to school he has to fight with a couple of students... I really would not want him to fight because .... He just got out of the hospital last month... Which I can say scared me half to death ... But if he ends up loosing I am going to go to the hospital where he is and drag him out and beat him up myself .... I really love him and I really wanna spend my life with him.... Knight is really understanding he can be stubborn at times but the best listener I know ... I am still nervous about the fight normally I wouldn't be against his fights but this time I kinda am ... Because I know he protects his friends but it is kinda breaking the contract we had with no fighting... Does that mean I am following a contract for me only -sighs- .... It's okay I guess protecting friends goes first so I won't say anything since it was four against one .... I wish you can love me forever is it okay to hope you will love me until forever?