.. The feeling of loosing

today I held my tears in bitterly regretting of the decision I made of being friends with the people I am friends with now so my friend cursed me out because I didn't text her back... And she stated that "yeah well she loves to bottle things up."...of course I am not gonna tell her I went home because of my "nature" no I don't think she has that privilege to know about that. on top of that their is a girl her name is Ebby she got me angry because she used to call me Gummie bear now their is a second Gummie bear I don't mind but you know what? FUCK THEM ALL!!! because I am tired of feeling alone... Kevin gave me a wishing bracelet I wonder what really is my wish to be honest... I don't have one because I feel empty inside I wanted to talk to... Someone who would actually listen to this and understand me... 

Irritation and nervousness

So today I woke up and was getting ready for school and I noticed a text from Tavis so I looked at the text and it said "why did you tell harneet to break up with me?" I am staring at the phone over and over again so really I am thinking she just really doesn't want me to be happy? ... I don't really know what to tell you at this point I just don't know what to tell him. I don't want to bring Andrew in this even though he told me this... because then Tavis is gonna be on his case... and they might fight... Other than that today I was gonna go to Chemistry I didn't feel like going and then I realized my dad was here to pick me up thank goodness he did because I would of not have protection and by the time I came home I would have been soaked some place that where embarrassing.. long story short today was a okay day its just I am feeling annoyed and don't know what to do I need Andrews help I don't know what to respond to Tavis about this.... I don't even wanna ask him even though I wanna tell him I am kinda hesitant in asking him...

... Dad got sick

I just found out from my mom that my dad has something in his lungs and I was just taking out my lo- mein from the Chinese take out box and being silent so that I could process this.. I am thinking back on lots of things like when my dad was suppose to take my mom to the doctor and walked out because he had work... and he just left her their by herself ... and then things like the text messages where he had hid from our family but off course I found it... and then their is a incident where my dad slapped me because I hung up on a call on his phone.. even my passport and my social and birth papers are not being found but regardless of what happens I feel bad that he is going through this but a part of me is not giving two craps because of how he treated us ... he did love me and still does when I was a young baby but what went wrong in our relationship? he doesn't even talk to me anymore... he is just to busy with life ... my older brother is now taking the responsibilities of what my father should be doing for me.... 

what a dream....

Today when I woke up I went to run the vacuum and then I went to eat breakfast and then went upstairs to read two manga's Love So Life It was really cute ..... the twin kids especially because it was a twin girl and twin boy ....  the second manga I started to read is sugar solider

So a today I was feeling really sad that I took a really long nap... I had a dream about me buying popcorn kernels and I kept putting them back and picking a different one that the clerk got mad at me it was because when I thought I picked one with a pretty looking kernels they where one piece of kernel and so I put it back its a really weird dream because one minute I see the popcorns popped and stuff and then the next I don't see it popped but a piece of kernel and something red next to it... I wake up and it got me frustrated because I realized I want popcorn... -___-
So after I woke up a lot of things I have been realizing I wish I didn't do and that is trying on the dress my mom told me to.. I love the dress I am just uncomfortable ... with my body and all of the scars I am starting to hate these cuts... that my disease had brought on me not only that.. ever since I woke up I felt even more sickish my eyes been more itchy than normal... I wonder if I will ever look good in a dress I know I thought I have confidence in the dress... but I look... horrible... even my hair is getting ugly to me.... I haven't been managing and taking care of it properly.... So what happened yesterday was a lot of things have happened but their is just one single one ... that stuck in my head.... I was in Chemistry class and the thing is I asked this girl to sit next to ... me cause I am still not over hanging out with Harneet so she asked me oh so I haven't seen me hang out with Harneet I told her what Harneet did and when that happened she started talking bad about her... and stuff not bluntly but you know the type of talking where you can't hear it but you just know ... and then while I am doing my Chemistry work she tries to ask me oh do you wanna skip class together to walk around.... I told her couldn't you have asked me that before class... so I stared at her .. and just continued to do my work at first I said okay I walked out the classroom with the pass and then when I came back she went to do her business when she came back I was trying to do my last homework and my classwork and she kept tickling me....
It kinda bothered me but really what can I do about it I already tried the word stop while I was reading allowed in Chemistry because the lady asked me to I did and she kept tickling me ... I think maybe I felt annoyed .... but again it was my fault ...

  

Loosing passion

So I am realizing that my writing for blogger is getting boating because their isn't anything to write about my life... I wonder what happen to Andrew today because I called him cause I got my phone back sooner than I expected -...- but I think he had band so I guess he was busy anyways on the second note I made my self very busy and forced my self to do my Memorial Day homework so now that I finished everything as I am typing I just realized I forgot one homework and that's the one due tomorrow GAHHHH!!!! I even have a math test I am scared of that but doesn't mean I won't try my best... I am kinda holding in tears I healed in for so long but I don't know why.. I am in pain to be honest I think I am in a place where I just don't want to be bothered with people at first I thought I would be okay with talking them now. I am bothered that people even though I talk with them they don't respect me..

phone is gone

So today in school I got my phone taken from me because of scanning and so now I don't get to call anyone until Friday... The other sad thing is my mom still doesn't give it a rest on yelling at me I guess I let it out with crying so I feel a lot better..I don't really have anything else that important that happened today...

...

So this weekend I was ultra sad because I wasn't able to call my boyfriend and I didn't talk to him since last week Wednesday I think... Then Thursday and Friday I got extremely busy with things like homework and doing things for my mom... This woman called me so much times it wasn't even funny to do favors for her...  I finally decided to give Andrew a call on friday but his mom said he went to his dads I felt really miserable because I wasn't able to talk to him and then Sunday I didn't know if I should call so I kinda didn't call him to be honest what I feel is...

So damn badly right now..... it sucks because this week my mom is home and I am not sure when I will be able to call him considering how annoying my mom is when I am on the cellphone she listens to my conversations still.. And had a horrid Saturday cause all my mom did was talk down my bros girlfriend with me and I was silent until I got tired of it and I told her not everyone is out to get Imran seriously -sighs- other than that I had a really messed up Sunday this weekend goes by too fast -sighs-

Silence

My body shivers 

The rage tries to bottle; 

Lots of anger 

but the words do not come out 

Finally the tears come out

And again I fall back into a dream...

so today my world changed again I have never in my life felt so pissed off at my mom so today I didn't have one incident with her I had two.. The first one was when I refused to tell my mom what race my friend was (I pretended to not know what race meant.) so my mom told me you need to know a lot more... I immediately reacted and was like I know what race means its because I am sick and tired of my mom asking what race is she and I am sick and tired of my mom asking me if my friend is a male or female why do you want me to talk to women all the time
am I suddenly getting a arranged marriage with woman?? ... Then later on today I was talking to my friend Tiffany and she was asking me oh do you wanna go out somewhere (aka mall or movies) and I told her I don't know so apparently I was talking loud and my mom was pissed off and then I called my other friend and had to apologize that I didn't go to hang out with him and his friend to play video games. I am really annoyed today mostly because my mom told me I couldn't do anything ( such as cook cause I was making a grilled cheese sandwich for myself) I told her this morning that's why no one ever wants to learn from you not everyone does everything like you that's how we learn I feel awful about not calling Andrew yesterday I was just so angry and didn't want to whip out on him so today I called him but he went to his dads house talk about a down poor... I miss him already and here I though I would get to talk to him finally today but I guess I was sadly wrong I miss him a lot right now...

Over clutter

So a lot of things had happen today besides me fixing my school website for me to review my notes... Other than that I know this may sound weird but I prayed for my boyfriend and then I read the bible proverbs 16... I was trying not to cry but I got more angry than sad... So the bible said to not talk to stupid people because its not edifying and I felt annoyed because I know my boyfriend doesn't believe their Is a God.... But like things that piss me off is when my parents decide for me that my boyfriend is automatically bad you know??? and God is suppose to be a non-judging God. To be honest I never got the terminology " God is Zealous for us." the second thing that I wanna talk about is that my friends are moving away next school semester so I am really bummed that I won't have anyone here... In my school to talk to..I got to earn 5 extra points today in math class and I even played mycandylove and the bright great news is that Anime world has left the building but it has finally returned :O  other than that I actually really miss my boyfriend I actually wanna punch something as of now because I was praying for us to be together and their is nothing but negativity scriptures after I pray I wanna cry I feel sad... I am actually scared..... I wish I could be in his arms now... 

hatred for bro

FUCK YOU BLOGGER FUCK YOU STUPID FAMILY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

 To be honest I really wanted to talk to Andrew but I was already pissed at the fact my mom was walking in on me talking with him so I was highly annoyed as ever it pissed me the fuck off and in to top off all the fucking shit my brother never gave me back my anime.... WHAT THE FUCKING CRAP IS THAT????!!!! He tells me oh I am not being a ass but he just had to ask me who it was like mother fucker you don't need to know he it was EVERY QUESTION LEADS TO ANOTHER LIKE WHAT THE HELL I don't ask you who you talk with on the phone. I know you give me space but like what the hell leave me the heck alone I mean I understand I don't know why but when I told Andrew I was gonna call him tomorrow I felt highly annoyed that he had to go... 

What am I suppose to do... What am I suppose to think I can't do this anymore my family pisses me off so much the wounds where I use to cut is burning too it feels like I wanna cut again... It feels like I can hardly breath... I don't want to loose Andrew but me blowing my top might happen sooner than I thought would happen I might get so pissed at my brother I probably won't go to Pennsylvania or go to that stupid sleep away trip I am sick and tired of being taken for a fool or freaking told something and promises being broke what the heck is that?????!!!!!

Soo what happened

So what happened last night was I was sleeping from 1pm until 8pm and my friends boyfriend called me to vent and he was really down poured at the fact he found out my friend was not a Virgin and that she had lied to him and I was kinda disturbed also because she is treating him like total trash even though he is working so hard towards being with her, anyways her boyfriend called me today to tell me he was done and yeah.. But other than that today I got annoyed with my boyfriend to be honest I love him and everything but he needs to stop acting like a Baka sometimes because being lazy wont help you >~< air headed Boy but whatever I love his blubber butt anyway LOL anyways I would right more but I am very sleep and tired so nighty night

Crazy....

So yesterday and today is crazy I had gotten so sick yesterday that I couldn't even have enough movement or head to study or do homework so I ended up not doing it and then today I ended up not going to class... Because I was still sick I have a slight temperature... I thought my dad was gonna stay at work the whole time but in the end he came home to eat I was hiding for the most part from him cause he would of gotten mad at me for staying home... But I was sick what does he want me to do about it??? Suffer in school and maybe pass out? Anyways... I am still so sleepy but I am scared if I sleep what if he come backs home again?

....

So today a funny thing happened me and Andrew was having a talk about when we get married what is our rules for each other so apparently mine is not to have guys over, don't drink for no reason, and don't stay out without letting him know.. So apparently mine is just don't let girls over... because if he does something I don't like I am gonna be so angry I won't be able to stop crying (shhh I haven't told him this..) anyways the other possible thing is to not wake me up before 8 on Saturdays ill be upset..  So we talked about our do's and his are cuddling and mine are... that he has to eat dinner with me cause I hate eating alone.

So...

So yeah my boyfriend told me yesterday I should vent and as of now I feel like crying so much... Why aren't my parents okay with me watching anime, well to begin with my mom was upset that I was more infatuated with the Asian culture than the Indian culture... Because of my prior problem about what happened on Tuesday my mom refuses for me to work at anime castle... even if this didn't happen I don't think she would of allowed me to work their in the first place but out everything to be honest right now I think she is being super unfair.... I am not killing someone... I am not robbing a house I am just pleasuring myself... And because of that I am looked at like a freak... To be honest I don't even think my mom likes me at all anymore.. I don't wanna cry because I feel like I have to give up and like today I wanted to wear a outfit of my choice she easily rejects of what I want to wear and then when I finally do my hair she said she hated it.... Maybe I am not as pretty.. I am surprised she called me prettier than her friends daughter when I am nowhere near pretty compared to that girl... I am actually sick of thinking like this even when my boyfriend said he wouldn't want to talk to my brother anymore it kinda hurt me... I don't know why but when he said it was too much work it felt like he was saying "it's to much work to explain why I love you." ( this has nothing to do with anything of me being pissed I just vented what I wanted to say yesterday.) I know I am being stupid but sometimes this pain is very freaking hard to deal with... the one thing in life I enjoy the most is anime and my mom wants me to part with it because she thinks its bad but things she thought where bad that I had a infatuation when I was younger like "the Bratz, Spongebob Yu-Gi-Oh!!" It pissed me off because it was either oh your gonna learn bad character, bad words, and Yu-Gi-Oh! Apparently had to do with Demons.... so anyways as you may not know I got my stupid slow black iPod taken away but on the bright side I bought a new one and I was told it was a 8gb iPod which turned out to work even greater because its a 32gb instead :) I am ubber happy If that's even a word. To be honest I am feeling really pissed off that my mom is not allowing me to do things like watch anime anymore... EVERYTHING I DO IS BAD!!!! I am reliving the day over and over again that she found out that I have a boyfriend with a nice tool I think she is damn ubber jealous but whatever I am still feeling like utter shit cause of it... But tomorrow I am so looking forward to calling my boyfriend he even called me today to check up in me but because of my damn mom I had to go to church... She was like of we should go to check and I am like mom it's just a meeting I am kinda angry that once your in a Christian believing family your parents think you automatically the faith that they believe in... My mom told me of your Christian that's your religion and I am staring at her.... Anyways so that's how crappy my day was night guys 

Your Voice

Whispers so crystal clear

the words of your voice crying for help 

with every drifting part 

we seem to close up like a lock

on this fine warm day

let us stare at the sky at dismay

for the clouds foreshadow a peace a peace yet 

calm day.

your words flow out like a rain 

cold yet electrifying 

be at eased world for the 

whispers were so clear 

as crystal  

Today...

So today I realized how crappy my mom had acted now she is locking her door now so I am not able to get into her room so that I can take my IPod back I just need some money so I can buy myself a new one and then with the old one ill let her hold it but if it breaks I am making her pay for it because I payed for my own IPod with my own money. Andrew messaged me and couldn't sleep last night because of me and I also couldn't sleep because I worried all night as to whom my brother spoke to... I was actually gonna cry... But I tried not to... Whatever my brother is doing is just bringing us closer together to love each other I feel also bad that I couldn't even chat in little messenger with my boyfriend that is gonna be a hell whole to even try for that to happen -sighs- I wonder how I am I going to get my money from my moms room now she keeps locking the door so how am I suppose to get this money... -sighs- On the bright side I found a person whom might allow my boyfriend to stay with my friend so that I may see my boyfriend more >w<

>____<

So I finally made a new blogger for my story writing obviously it has been a hard day in planning what to write about so I started writing about the blogger I had promised to start about my boyfriend of course that IS WAY NOT DONE and I can't even portray this damn bio the way I pictured it in my head typing your thoughts is very hard!!!! Then I started writing a book called engagement and I think I wrote more in that post than writing the biography... >_____< !!!! so for you people to read from the new blog here is the link DESU >w< !!!  http://watashi-tachi-no-denki.blogspot.com I know this was from a old blog template but I had decided not to write about love but maybe continue just writing stories my mom knows I love writing stories but unfortunately I wish I could just publish a book to full fill one of my achievements in life ... >____<

New Stuff

So  I am deciding to make a new blogger with written stories and other random things because I really can't write random stories in my blogger or maybe I can its just I want it to be organized is all. So today my mom was pissing me the hell off she was touching the machine like she knows how to use it and she was just arguing me to operate the dryer and she was pissing me off because she was yelling at me instead of asking... I mean like the heck? I guess you guy must know by now I hate people yelling at me it makes me feel less of myself.. so basically this is how the conversation went with me and her...

Mom: you can't even read? You can't even operate the laundry...
Me: But you can, Your busy yelling at me and not even doing anything to operate the machine.
Mom: -Silence-
Me: Takes the paper to call the operator and asks the lady how to use the dryer, 
Operator: Oh your suppose to put it on bulky wash.
Me: Bulky wash? -repeats what she said- 
Mom: How could you put it unto bulky wash if its only two piece of thing? 
Me: -looked pissed off at her- SHHHHHHH!
Operator: -sounded dumb founded-  Oh well its not a big blanket huh? 
Me: Its like only one
Operator: ohhh okay so just put it on bulky and push the static button. 
Me: Okay. Thank you. -hangs up- *goes about drying dishes than walks upstairs cause mother is still nagging* 

So I wanted to share with you guys why I started writing a blogger in the first place, well their are several reasons as to why I started making a blogger... The first main reasons are for people in my family to not read my journal or my main thoughts I am tried of talking to people in my house whom do not understand me. The other reasons is to have a sense of security on for once actually relating to other bloggers whom have a intellectual thinking and how they write I mean I am so glad writing and my words to be out their you know? I don't want to have my dairy their in the open and someone just goes through the journal and they just read it I don't want people to snoop through my brain in what I am thinking I mean I write it and don't say it for a reason. I know putting it on a blogger site is not the best place in the world to put it but thats all what I look forward to do to just vent relax and write how my day was and yes their are times when I can't even write things because I am too frustrated or angry to even write my feelings, Even to a certain point where I feel like people would feel tired of reading almost similar journal entries I write but sorry my life is as boring as it seems and I am not about to lie on how my life is it just really is suckish and this is how my life goes and the order of what I do as activities....

(Weekday Scenarios) School> Home> Bed> (repeat for whole 5 days)
(Sunday Scenario) CHURCH>HOME>BED (repeat every sunday)

Weekend Scenario's 
(Saturday) Wakeup/be woken (by some asshole who decides to not let me sleep)> Brush my teeth> Breakfast> Chores( not gonna lie HATE THAT SHIT!)> Computer(almost whole day)> Relief> Blog>Sleep
(Sunday) Wakeup> Choose clothing> Shower> Dress> Get bag ready> Start the Car> Church> Nap> Computer> Shower> blog> Sleep

Stomach pains

So I had dinner and my stomach has began to hurt very much. I hate it so much I guess it's cause I eat a lot of food.. today I felt that I was not going to talk to Andrew with my horrid feelings even though I wanted to talk to him...because I thought the way i talked to him was horrible. I just didn't want to be the one to call all the time because if I don't call I wonder if he would call me himself I know he calls me back I am just wondering if he would call me on his own accord instead of me having to call him first, it's kinda scary because I wanna feel wanted... I do it's just I want Andrew to do at least some of the old things he use to do like call me... But I guess you can say I was too into anime today that I didn't get a chance to talk to him and also I felt bad because every single time I talk to him I vent and not have a normal conversation define what a normal conversation is I just wouldn't know but me having a great back to back conversation would be great. But I also miss Andrew... -sighs- I don't wanna tell him I am sick so it won't bother him. Yup not gonna tell him.

Phone Fail...

What a day today was I talked to Andrew.. I feel like I failed at talking to him today because I only feel like I talked about my day and he did too its just I felt really unhappy at the fact I wanted him more and more sheesh it's like I sound like I want to be more greedy it's kinda getting harder for me to control that.. Not only that I am tormenting myself by watching people make hero sandwiches I am dying as of now but yeah other than that I feel like today was quite a failure as a girlfriend I even felt like without Andrew I couldn't even tell my friend off that I love Andrew if it wasn't for Andrew and how he talked to me I would of just kept quiet and not spoken up about my feelings I wonder if I am a coward... Andrew also told me if he talks things that I don't understand I should tell him so that He could explain it I am kinda scared of doing that because what if he starts disliking me for being too stupid... I am a year younger but that doesn't Give me a excuse to be less smarter than my boyfriend.. I am nerves because I have a big global test tomorrow and not only that I get my report card 3 period tomorrow.... I hope I didn't drop grades... not to mention i feel like crying because I wanna hear Andrews voice again but I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow...

News...

So I have been writing a lot of what I have been feeling lately so, For my loving and patient readers I have decided to share a small poem and then I will start my regular post of what happened today. So I wrote this poem called ...

"Yuki"

Snow falls like little crystals 

shine so bright 

they drop on a river 

bank like little ballerinas 

streams flow like a symbol of never ending 

light,

so wide and long 

the river seems never ending like a big

maze.

along comes thunder the little crystal's fade

away and the ballerinas disappear 

I wanted to add some color into my poem so I changed the color to make it stand out from the rest of the writing. I wonder what happens when I start to get my creativity its like I feel a sudden beat through my veins feeling on what I should write. So anyways I wanted to continue talking about what had happen today so my friend ebby asked me to talk to her alone. (I think I felt like I should at least get her off my damn back and ashley too...) So what happened was I explained that her confessing confused me but my love for Andrew remains still first before any person in this world. (of course God comes before Andrew cause without my God I would have not have found Andrew.) So later on I think what I told her was unclear so I decided to text her and clear up to stop liking me or this friendship will be harder to cope and keep her as a friend.. I like hanging with her but if she is gonna come between me and Andrew and try to pull me away from him I would rather not have that type of friendship.